I am sitting in the First Class Lounge of Riyadh airport in Saudi Arabia - struggling through the first 30 minutes of a three and a half hour delay to my flight back to Dubai. (I should point out at this stage that the area in which I am sitting is very badly named as it is certainly not first class and very far from the comfortable notions that the word “lounge” usually conjures up . . .indeed “Deodorant Testing and CNN Endurance Zone” may be a more appropriate naming strategy).
Having lived in Greece and now living in the Middle East, facial hair – and in particular moustaches – are nothing new to me. Indeed this symbol of masculinity is something I am completely used to, although I have not succumbed to growing my own - with the exception of a brief spell at university when I convinced myself that leaving my facial hair to grow would instantly transform me into a Robert De Niro / Al Pacino look-alike and give me the kind of unkempt, brutal appeal that I was missing.
The fact that I have since never entertained the idea of growing anything again may be somehow connected to the fact that the result of this ludicrous notion was a rather pathetic, fluffy red half beard that could only be excused on a student living in Scotland in the late 80s . . .
Although it is not for me, I have never had an issue with the principle of facial hair – indeed I have often admired a good moustache or beard when grown and managed well.
However, there are limits – and a brief scan of the room here in Riyadh airport has afforded me some pretty clear indications of where those limits are. You see, sitting around me now are some criminal examples of inappropriate facial hair growth which in the world of which I will be ruler in the future, would be punishable with lengthy imprisonment or just a simple beating.
BMS – or Bad Moustache Syndrome – afflicts many people and from all backgrounds. Examples range from the straightforward “Comedy Moustache” which appears to have been grown for a bet or another humorous purpose (but 9 times out of 10 sadly ends up being a serious effort) to the plain pathetic “Teutonic Weed” so beloved of German students backpacking around the world in unpleasantly tight leather trousers and rucksacks (not that there are many of these in my Riyadh Airport enclosure…).
But there are other varieties which can move you to tears or laughter instantly depending on your mood. Let me share a small selection with you:
1. Adolf Lipper – why, oh why, despite being some 50 years after the fall of Nazi Germany, does anyone think that a Hitler Moustache is EVER going to be fashionable or appealing?
2. Five O’Clock Shadow ‘Tache – here we are working on the principal that the full five o’clock shadow (or just plain unshaven for two days) look that was popularized in the 1980’s by such stunning examples of masculinity as George Michael, would look somehow better if confined to just the top lip. Is this a kind of new millennium post modernist ironic attempt at minimalism or is it just atrocious facial hair . . . Hint: It looks crap and like you can’t grow a real moustache – so shave it off. Now.
3. The Four Inch Crumb Collector – yup, this is one of those preposterously large moustaches which would appear to have no other reason to exist other than to collect small items of food – presumably with the idea of consuming them later on. These moustaches are often worn completely out of proportion with the rest of the face or indeed the owner and as a result look especially bad.
4. The Old Lady – as you may have guessed, these are the moustaches which are seen on women, usually old women. I don’t think I need to devote any further time to this variety as its lack of appeal is self evident.
5. The YOY – no not Year on Year, but Why Oh Why . . . you must have seen them. Perfectly pleasant looking gentlemen with a nice, youthful, fresh-faced look – who then go and trash it completely with a really bad ‘tache. There is just no explanation for this other than sustained drug abuse, mental imbalance or a bizarre religious conviction.
And the list could go on . . .
Bad moustaches are worse than bad body odour. I mean, bad body odour is something which you suffer from at a distance of up to say two feet from the person who stinks – but a bad ‘tache can hit you at up to 100 feet away or more. Not good, and I think society would be better if rid of these facially irresponsible offenders.
My proposal would involve a corporate social responsibility campaign sponsored by Gillette. Free donations of razors and mirrors to those who need them, and lessons on how to “shave it off” would be made available by the giant of the shaving world.
But this would not be enough. There should also be a deterrent to ensure that this kind of offense is avoided in the first place.
‘Tache Tax is one option. Bad Moustaches would be taxed by the authorities and the proceeds donated to the needy and those in ‘tache shock (the witnessing of extreme Bad Moustache Syndrome which leaves victims traumatized for many years). This ‘Tache Tax could be accompanied by an equal incentive programme which would encourage the growth of responsible, non-offensive facial hair – donations and grants to those few who get it right.
Some money from ‘tache tax could also be channeled into research into BMS. Entire medical and psychiatric units would be able to get to the bottom of this phenomenon and provide the world with a solution which may involve therapy or perhaps genetic modification – depending on the severity of the individual problem.
There will, however, always be a few who get away. These persistent offenders will not be changed by therapy or charity. They need a Short Sharp Shave and some time in jail – with enforced shaving every day. Repeat offenders failing to shape up could be forced to have their upper lip hair removed by laser and then have a “nice” moustache tattooed onto their top lip in replacement . . .
In terms of the rest of my policies for "My World", they go as follows:
Along with Bad Moustaches, I will also be banning Comedy / Novelty Mobile Phone Ringtones, CNN Presenters (with one or two exceptions), the French, Children on Planes and in Supermarkets, drivers of small Toyotas, Traffic Wherever I am Driving, several American Presidents, Plastic Cheese, New Labour, “Marketing Speak”, cinema Hot Dogs, Women who ask if they “look fat in this”, Crown Green Bowling, 14 year old Management Consultants who earn 14 times as much as me, Bulgarian toilets, Czech “cuisine”, queues and Riyadh airport.
The death penalty will be a possibility for all of the above offences and absolutely mandatory for all people who fart on planes.
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