All things are relative.
I say that a lot to friends and colleagues - always wanting to point out the (usually positive) effects of perspective and context when applied to our own situations.
Tonight I find myself administering the lesson to myself and coming up ashamed as a result.
I have had a colossally shit and tiring day. After flying back in the middle of my holiday to spend a weekend in meetings for a large but very difficult and demanding client, I ended day one yesterday exhausted. My shoulder was killing me and I had no pain medication to hand.
I slept badly and woke up several times in the night - finally falling into a deep sleep about 40 minutes before my 6am alarm. (Isn't it always the way!).
With only one cup of coffee on board I set off to start my first part of the meetings today at 7am.
We finished the meetings at 7pm, frazzled and arguing over strategy for negotiations. I had a brief respite for 15 mins to catch up on urgent issues with my beloved PA who gave up her weekend to assist this meeting and then on to a client dinner which we all needed like a hole in the head.
The client then kept us waiting for one hour so dinner was very late and everyone was fed up and desperate to get some rest.
Final discussions with the client pre dinner left me feeling very despondent after all the work and effort that had been put in and I went to the table in a very black mood. So bad in fact that I didn't speak. (Yes - I know. That is pretty serious).
Making the earliest get away possible without being rude, I took some colleagues back to their hotel before heading home listening to Exile On Main Street to try and get my spirits up while all that happened was I simply felt like a rolling stone... No fixed abode, disconnected and rambling. I was also shattered in terms of tiredness.
As I got home I was feeling very sorry for myself - tired, fed up, alone and despondent.
Poor me.
Then I got a message out of the blue from a friend who has cancer and has just completed her first round of chemotherapy.
And I recalled another message earlier in the day from another friend whose mother is very unwell following a very nasty car accident which could have killed her.
I then remembered my own mother who has just completed major surgery and is having a slow and difficult recovery having lost five pints of blood while under the knife.
And I suddenly felt quite ridiculously and pathetically self-centred and obnoxious.
Trouble and pain are relative. I'd love to have a groundhog day of my "shit" day today than have cancer.
I'd rather my friend's mother had only undergone scheduled surgery as my mother had - instead of being in major pain as she is and still waiting for surgery.
And I wish I could have undergone the surgery in place of my mother and lost my blood, while she did my meeting today instead.
And so on.
Relativity.
My trivial, self indulgent moaning was exposed for what it is when compared to real issues like health and nasty disease. And I felt - indeed feel - truly embarrassed at myself as a result.
None of my complaints about my day are even mentionable in the face of what three or four other people close to me in one way or another are going through.
I do not wish surgery or cancer upon myself of course - unless perhaps it could prevent someone else from having to go through it. And even then, being truly honest, I would most likely still recoil into my selfish little ball if this were to be offered up as a real life option. Because ultimately we are all capable of being selfish - especially when it comes to self preservation or pain avoidance.
I spent a moment admonishing myself for being ridiculous, shallow and self indulgent - and then spent a couple more moments exchanging thoughts and wishes with my friend with cancer.
I'm not going to spend the rest of the night beating myself up. I'm human.
But now and again it is good for us to apply a little relativity to our situations and see them better for what they are.
Sure, I worked a 14 hour day on a weekend in the middle of my vacation while tired. But in my meeting room no-one shot at me or put land-mines by the coffee area. I wasn't in a far off frightening and inhospitable country. (Well, the UAE isn't that bad!)
I didn't watch a loved one racked with pain or fear for their life . I didn't starve or have to worry about feeding myself - indeed I had restaurant food for lunch and gourmet food and wine for dinner. (Although unusually for me, my mood was so bad I enjoyed neither.)
So really, relatively speaking, I'm a very fortunate person. A lucky devil.
As I lie back in my bed and reflect on this I feel quite alone and find myself wishing I could connect to something real for a moment to ground myself and settle my soul.
I'm Looking for the Heart Of Sunday Night...(Last Sunday night to be precise . . .)
Here are the lyrics of that magnificent song...other than the play on the words of the title, the song has not much to do with how I feel right now - other than it is a beautiful song and while I am feeling ugly in terms of my thoughts and bevahiour - it's just what I need to hear to lift my mood...
(I'm Looking For) The Heart of Saturday Night - Tom Waits
Well you gassed her up
Behind the wheel
With your arm around your sweet one
In your Oldsmobile
Barrelin' down the boulevard
You're looking for the heart of Saturday night
And you got paid on Friday
And your pockets are jinglin'
And you see the lights
You get all tinglin' cause you're cruisin' with a 6
And you're looking for the heart of Saturday night
Then you comb your hair
Shave your face
Tryin' to wipe out ev'ry trace
All the other days
In the week you know that this'll be the Saturday
You're reachin' your peak
Stoppin' on the red
You're goin' on the green
'Cause tonight'll be like nothin'
You've ever seen
And you're barrelin' down the boulevard
Lookin' for the heart of Saturday night
Tell me is the crack of the poolballs, neon buzzin?
Telephone's ringin'; it's your second cousin
Is it the barmaid that's smilin' from the corner of her eye?
Magic of the melancholy tear in your eye.
Makes it kind of quiver down in the core
'Cause you're dreamin' of them Saturdays that came before
And now you're stumblin'
You're stumblin' onto the heart of Saturday night
Well you gassed her up
And you're behind the wheel
With your arm around your sweet one
In your Oldsmobile
Barrellin' down the boulevard,
You're lookin' for the heart of Saturday night
Is the crack of the poolballs, neon buzzin?
Telephone's ringin'; it's your second cousin
And the barmaid is smilin' from the corner of her eye
Magic of the melancholy tear in your eye.
Makes it kind of special down in the core
And you're dreamin' of them Saturdays that came before
It's found you stumblin'
Stumblin' onto the heart of Saturday night
And you're stumblin'
Stumblin' onto the heart of Saturday night
-------
If you don't know the song, you can listen to it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f7UHd7NVegE
So here I am on Saturday night, and I'm looking for the Heart of Sunday Night...And finally feeling sorry for my selfishness instead of sorry for myself...
An improvement over an hour ago.
Sadly it took cancer, surgeries and a near death accidents to provide perspective and to re-calibrate my gauges...but then as Einstein used to say, "That's relativity folks".
I say that a lot to friends and colleagues - always wanting to point out the (usually positive) effects of perspective and context when applied to our own situations.
Tonight I find myself administering the lesson to myself and coming up ashamed as a result.
I have had a colossally shit and tiring day. After flying back in the middle of my holiday to spend a weekend in meetings for a large but very difficult and demanding client, I ended day one yesterday exhausted. My shoulder was killing me and I had no pain medication to hand.
I slept badly and woke up several times in the night - finally falling into a deep sleep about 40 minutes before my 6am alarm. (Isn't it always the way!).
With only one cup of coffee on board I set off to start my first part of the meetings today at 7am.
We finished the meetings at 7pm, frazzled and arguing over strategy for negotiations. I had a brief respite for 15 mins to catch up on urgent issues with my beloved PA who gave up her weekend to assist this meeting and then on to a client dinner which we all needed like a hole in the head.
The client then kept us waiting for one hour so dinner was very late and everyone was fed up and desperate to get some rest.
Final discussions with the client pre dinner left me feeling very despondent after all the work and effort that had been put in and I went to the table in a very black mood. So bad in fact that I didn't speak. (Yes - I know. That is pretty serious).
Making the earliest get away possible without being rude, I took some colleagues back to their hotel before heading home listening to Exile On Main Street to try and get my spirits up while all that happened was I simply felt like a rolling stone... No fixed abode, disconnected and rambling. I was also shattered in terms of tiredness.
As I got home I was feeling very sorry for myself - tired, fed up, alone and despondent.
Poor me.
Then I got a message out of the blue from a friend who has cancer and has just completed her first round of chemotherapy.
And I recalled another message earlier in the day from another friend whose mother is very unwell following a very nasty car accident which could have killed her.
I then remembered my own mother who has just completed major surgery and is having a slow and difficult recovery having lost five pints of blood while under the knife.
And I suddenly felt quite ridiculously and pathetically self-centred and obnoxious.
Trouble and pain are relative. I'd love to have a groundhog day of my "shit" day today than have cancer.
I'd rather my friend's mother had only undergone scheduled surgery as my mother had - instead of being in major pain as she is and still waiting for surgery.
And I wish I could have undergone the surgery in place of my mother and lost my blood, while she did my meeting today instead.
And so on.
Relativity.
My trivial, self indulgent moaning was exposed for what it is when compared to real issues like health and nasty disease. And I felt - indeed feel - truly embarrassed at myself as a result.
None of my complaints about my day are even mentionable in the face of what three or four other people close to me in one way or another are going through.
I do not wish surgery or cancer upon myself of course - unless perhaps it could prevent someone else from having to go through it. And even then, being truly honest, I would most likely still recoil into my selfish little ball if this were to be offered up as a real life option. Because ultimately we are all capable of being selfish - especially when it comes to self preservation or pain avoidance.
I spent a moment admonishing myself for being ridiculous, shallow and self indulgent - and then spent a couple more moments exchanging thoughts and wishes with my friend with cancer.
I'm not going to spend the rest of the night beating myself up. I'm human.
But now and again it is good for us to apply a little relativity to our situations and see them better for what they are.
Sure, I worked a 14 hour day on a weekend in the middle of my vacation while tired. But in my meeting room no-one shot at me or put land-mines by the coffee area. I wasn't in a far off frightening and inhospitable country. (Well, the UAE isn't that bad!)
I didn't watch a loved one racked with pain or fear for their life . I didn't starve or have to worry about feeding myself - indeed I had restaurant food for lunch and gourmet food and wine for dinner. (Although unusually for me, my mood was so bad I enjoyed neither.)
So really, relatively speaking, I'm a very fortunate person. A lucky devil.
As I lie back in my bed and reflect on this I feel quite alone and find myself wishing I could connect to something real for a moment to ground myself and settle my soul.
I'm Looking for the Heart Of Sunday Night...(Last Sunday night to be precise . . .)
Here are the lyrics of that magnificent song...other than the play on the words of the title, the song has not much to do with how I feel right now - other than it is a beautiful song and while I am feeling ugly in terms of my thoughts and bevahiour - it's just what I need to hear to lift my mood...
(I'm Looking For) The Heart of Saturday Night - Tom Waits
Well you gassed her up
Behind the wheel
With your arm around your sweet one
In your Oldsmobile
Barrelin' down the boulevard
You're looking for the heart of Saturday night
And you got paid on Friday
And your pockets are jinglin'
And you see the lights
You get all tinglin' cause you're cruisin' with a 6
And you're looking for the heart of Saturday night
Then you comb your hair
Shave your face
Tryin' to wipe out ev'ry trace
All the other days
In the week you know that this'll be the Saturday
You're reachin' your peak
Stoppin' on the red
You're goin' on the green
'Cause tonight'll be like nothin'
You've ever seen
And you're barrelin' down the boulevard
Lookin' for the heart of Saturday night
Tell me is the crack of the poolballs, neon buzzin?
Telephone's ringin'; it's your second cousin
Is it the barmaid that's smilin' from the corner of her eye?
Magic of the melancholy tear in your eye.
Makes it kind of quiver down in the core
'Cause you're dreamin' of them Saturdays that came before
And now you're stumblin'
You're stumblin' onto the heart of Saturday night
Well you gassed her up
And you're behind the wheel
With your arm around your sweet one
In your Oldsmobile
Barrellin' down the boulevard,
You're lookin' for the heart of Saturday night
Is the crack of the poolballs, neon buzzin?
Telephone's ringin'; it's your second cousin
And the barmaid is smilin' from the corner of her eye
Magic of the melancholy tear in your eye.
Makes it kind of special down in the core
And you're dreamin' of them Saturdays that came before
It's found you stumblin'
Stumblin' onto the heart of Saturday night
And you're stumblin'
Stumblin' onto the heart of Saturday night
-------
If you don't know the song, you can listen to it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f7UHd7NVegE
So here I am on Saturday night, and I'm looking for the Heart of Sunday Night...And finally feeling sorry for my selfishness instead of sorry for myself...
An improvement over an hour ago.
Sadly it took cancer, surgeries and a near death accidents to provide perspective and to re-calibrate my gauges...but then as Einstein used to say, "That's relativity folks".
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