Νους υγιής εν σώματι υγιεί . . .
My quest for a healthier body and a healthier mind continued
in 2011 . . .
1. Amputation
Losing my fingertip in an accident in spring was a much more
traumatic experience than I first imagined it would be. Not because of the pain
(although the first amputation without anaesthetic is one of the most painful
things I have ever endured) nor due to disfigurement (I was never going to be a
hand model anyway . . .) but because of the direct and dramatic effect it had
on my guitar – and indeed piano - playing.
As I wrote around the time, one hobby (motorcycling) damaged
another (music). I was very angry with myself and deeply distressed – but have
managed to play despite my injury and find new techniques and even new sounds
as a result. I’d still rather have my fingertip back (and after my last surgery
to take it down to the stump at the knuckle I discovered from my finger
specialist that I needn’t have had it cut off in the first place) – but I have
overcome this setback and channeled positivity into the experience.
2. Fitness
With surgeries, travel, stress and so on, it was something
of a struggle to keep working on my fitness in 2011. I played some tennis, did
some running, did some swimming and hiking etc, but I wish I had worked harder
at it as the benefits felt very good and I know were contributing to my overall
health and well being.
What stopped me from doing more was lack of self discipline
and prioritization. It takes real effort and conscious will to carve out the
time for exercise with a job and lifestyle like mine – which is not an excuse
not to do it, but a clear call to action instead. I will work at this harder in
2012 and continue to aim for a healthy body as well as a healthy mind.
3. Recovery
The recovery from surgery – whether my three amputations or
the shoulder surgery again this last year – has been slow, frustrating and
painful.
I take an example from my mother and while I bitch and moan,
I get on with it too. I also push myself to get better as quickly as I can.
I hate staying down for longer than I need to and both
doctors and physios have singled my case out as remarkable for both the speed
of recovery and the tenacity and focus with which I approach it.
It still annoys me and my frustration sometimes boils over
into resentment – but as I read somewhere the other day, resentment is like
taking poison and expecting someone else to die . . . so I get over it and get
on with it.
I hope that 2012 involves much less recovery!
4. Consumption
Having lost a terrific amount of weight in 2010 (28 kilos or
around 60lbs), 2011 was more difficult. My weight fluctuated a fair amount and
my eating habits varied. Fortunately it didn’t get totally out of control again
as that would have really pissed me off after all the work I did in 2010, but
it took me a while to get back to being disciplined – and also to work on my
diet and nutrition mentally as well as physically.
I have been somewhat successful in disconnecting my eating
from my psychology and have noticed that I can now manage stress, happiness,
sadness and tiredness without it changing my eating habits so much. This is a
major step forward and now all I have to conquer is self-discipline and
boredom!
I’m heading in the right direction again and lost 10 kilos
in the last 3 months of 2011 – and am determined more than ever to get down to a
healthy and sustainable weight next year.
5. Sleep
I had a tough time with sleep this year. A friend pointed
out to me that I post more Facebook updates about sleep than almost anything
else.
Around surgeries it was particularly difficult and with
Australia now in my territory at work, adding to the time zones I cross, my
travel has become even more fatiguing.
However, stress and anxiety have been the chief instruments
of sleep deprivation and in the late autumn I went through a period of extreme
stress and my sleep was stolen almost entirely.
I found salvation in books and exercise. I began reading
properly again which has both helped me to sleep soundly and also brought me
much edification. I also started to exercise more frequently which seems to have
helped also.
I am now back to sleeping reasonably well – by my standards
at least – and the sleep thief has left me alone.
6. Middle age
This year I hit 40. It didn’t seem a big deal and still
doesn’t in many ways. I feel young (most of the time), creative, productive,
vital and energetic. I do think about death and mortality a great deal more
than I used to, but I think this has been gradual since my mid thirties.
I am also much more conscious of time – again a gradual
thing, but something I noticed very vividly this year.
I am much more comfortable about cutting out the things I
don’t need or don’t enjoy in life. I don’t need to prove anything to anybody
and I do not worry any more about the idea of being left out.
I am also a lot clearer about the things I do want in my
life. It hasn’t helped me much in terms of achieving them – but at least I
know!
To this end, I think middle age marks a point where I really
feel that I have grown up and am a reasonable version of an adult. I have my
issues, challenges, worries and concerns – as we all do – but I’m pretty
capable now of seeing things for what they are, and figuring out where things
fit in my life. And if they don’t fit – jettisoning them.
I don’t need to do everything any more. Just the best things
and the right things.
7. Curiosity
In almost direct contrast to my “coming of age” peace and
balance above, is my unabated – indeed further exacerbated – curiosity.
I want to know, to understand, to comprehend, and ideally to
feel everything about life. My mind hungers like a starving person, thirsts
like a desert traveller for satiation and expansion.
Partly sensory, but mostly intellectual, I find that the
greatest excitements of life are a combination of ideas and experiences. I
don’t want many things – and those that I do want, I have to a large degree.
What I want is to feel and to understand. It is an enormous
stimulus and provides me with enormous satisfaction.
Curiosity drives a great deal of my behaviour - good and bad.
8. Joy
2011 saw me experience more joy than I can remember for the
last 7 years. True, heart felt joy. It has been a while since I remember this
feeling and how good it makes you feel. More importantly how much it changes
one’s whole view of the world, disposition and attitude.
My joy came in many ways in 2011 – sometimes momentarily
while out riding in the desert and feeling the smile across my face as I
conquered the sand and the heat. Other times it was short but intense – for
example as I saw the coast of Greece when I woke up in the morning on the ferry
in the summer or when I played a concert for the first time since my amputation
in Los Angeles. And other times still it was for days or weeks on end as I felt
people connect to me and had a sense of sharing something good.
9. Melancholy
Joy is a great drug and withdrawal is hard…it’s called
melancholy.
Despite its meaning, I love the word melancholy and it’s
another word whose Greek version – from which the English word comes from - is
very beautiful.
“Μελαγχολία”.
It’s meaning comes from ancient medicine and the four humors
of Hippocrates – of which melancholy – which means “black bile” – was one.
To read more on this – and I think it is fascinating – try:
The parts of 2011 when I was not experiencing joy, I was
experiencing mainly melancholy. Melancholy is a strange condition or feeling as
it is both saddening and yet somehow comforting at the same time.
In some ways my melancholy was simply a “come down” from the
high of great joys and in others I think it reflects a natural state for me.
Not depression, but a general lack of energy and dynamism, and a lack of
enthusiasm for life.
It contrasts greatly with my other state of joy – where
nothing holds me back (sadly sometimes, for my enthusiasm it turns out can be
destructive).
There seems to be a large piece of elastic that suspends me
between melancholy and joy and propels me back and forth between the two.
I’d like to find more balance and cut this elastic pendulum…
10. Peace
…and if I can cut that elastic which pulls me between
melancholy and joy, then I can probably enjoy more peace of mind and easiness.
I don’t know if peace is a condition that suits me long term
however, and I wrestle often with the idea that balance is something I should
pursue with more vigour to find more peace – but then I worry that maybe it is
the extremes of life which give it the flavour which I crave and that balance will kill me rather than save me...
My dear friend and part time guardian angel Maggie from the
Village (see http://osapp.blogspot.com/2012/01/part-1-people.html
) suggested that it might be ok for me to actually not be balanced and not be moderate
– as long as I can simply come to terms with this condition and its
implications.
What I cannot do is have one thing and the other…
11. Choices
So life in 2011 was about choices. A lot of them.
Many were binary – e.g. health vs risks, some were polysynthetic
and involved many variables.
Some I rushed, some I prevaricated on. I did some stupid
things, some foolhardy things, some painful things and some smart things.
While I have learned a lot from all my choices and
decisions, including the ones that didn’t work out well, I don’t regret any of
them.
I remain resolutely optimistic about life – even when
melancholic – and I have faith. I also believe that synchronicity is a hidden
path for many of us and it helps me expect joy and deal with melancholy well.
At the end of 2011 body and soul are still together and
heading in the right direction – and I both pleased and proud about that.
The jury is out on balance. I haven’t got the answer to that
question yet.
It’s an answer that is probably best deferred for now.
While I believe that most questions should simply be
answered there and then, there are some questions that need some time to sink
in and others which need time for the right answer to be given. Those answers
should be deferred. When the time is right, the answer will come.
Until then . . .life goes on.
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