Αναθεώρηση Part 9: Created . . .

create [kriːˈeɪt]

vb

1. (tr) to cause to exist

2. (tr) to be the cause of 

3. (intr) to be engaged in creative work

 [C14 create, created, from Latin creātus, from creāre to produce, make]

As is often my way, I look at definitions and etymology to understand the meaning of words – as well as usage.

In terms of “what I have created” in 2011, I have focused on things that I caused to exist, things that I was the cause of, as well as things that I made or produced. There is a subtle difference…

Moreover, what is “created”, is by definition, something that did not exist (at least in this way) before its creation. One cannot cause something to exist if it existed previously – that would be to “re-create”. To this end, to create is to give birth, to give life to something that without one’s action, involvement or intervention, would otherwise not exist. Or at least not in this way, or at this time. 

1. Relationships

In 2011 I created several new friendships and relationships – or perhaps I should say I “co-created” them with willing people. 

To describe friendship I will turn to C.S. Lewis: “Friendship arises out of mere Companionship when two or more of the companions discover that they have in common some insight or interest or even taste which the others do not share and which, till that moment, each believed to be his own unique treasure (or burden)…It is when two such persons discover one another, when, whether with immense difficulties and semi-articulate fumblings or with what would seem to us amazing and elliptical speed, they share their vision – it is then that friendship is born. And instantly they stand together in an immense solitude.”

What Lewis means by the solitude is that when one forms a friendship with someone, one forms a connection based on the unique shared vision of those two or more people, and by definition this connection thus disconnects those people from others. They affiliate among each other but disassociate from others – thus creating solitude for themselves.

In this way I found myself enjoying new and expanded friendships in 2011 and as a result created additional solitude for myself – and perhaps for others.

2. Pain

I created much pain for myself in 2011 – and indeed others created pain for me as well (just in case I was running low!)…

But by and large the pain I suffered last year was my creation. I mean of course both physical and emotional pain.

I created significant physical pain in the accidents I suffered and the resulting injuries and surgeries, but I also created psychological and emotional pain through other kinds of accidents and the resulting “injuries” and “surgeries”. Interestingly, to continue the analogy further, both kinds of pain in 2011 for me involved some kind of amputation, removal etc – a removal of a piece of either body or soul, a detachment.

Both kinds of pain heal with time – although it is also interesting to note the parallels between physical and psychological or emotional pain when it comes to scarring, closed wounds, and so on.

My shoulder for example will never work the same way again, and my finger will not grow back. I will always have the scarring on my legs from the other accidents. The pain has reduced or diminished but there is lasting damage that will change the course of how I live, move, function. 

Maybe the same wounds in terms of anxiety, self esteem, self image, confidence, and so on will leave scars and lack of function? As we grow older and suffer more emotional and psychological trauma –whether self inflicted or by others – do we also accumulate more and more emotional scar tissue leading to more and more emotional disability?

I think perhaps we do – and the only thing that counterbalances this decay and growing disability is our mental capacity to comprehend it and learn from it – to attempt to avoid in the future the things which have hurt us in the past.

The other great truth about pain is that we have no pain memory. We literally cannot recall or remember pain. This is a protective mechanism our psychological function has developed to help us escape the terror and misery that repeated memory of pain would cause. We know we suffered pain, misery or discomfort but when we try to recall it we cannot feel it again.

Sadly it seems to be mirrored by an equal inability to recall the feelings of comfort, joy and happiness.

I created my own pain. I will deal with the scars it leaves behind.

3. Laughter

I created laughter again in 2011. I am gradually getting my humour back and it’s great. Still not where I used to be, but making people laugh is enormously rewarding and a proper laugh from the belly works wonders for the soul – and so it is a great pleasure to be able to provide that for people and to create laughter. 

If a big belly laugh isn't available, then even chuckles and smiles are pretty good soul food, so I don’t mind cooking those humour snacks, if the big banquet of a laugh is too hard to manage . . .

But it is good to make people laugh. I like that.

4. Art

When we think of “Creative” people we often most immediately think of art . . . but I believe creativity is manifested across many aspects – indeed nearly all aspects of our lives and existence.

However, art is a uniquely creative outlet because I think in part it is not required. We do not need art to live. It is not something that relates to any of the key biological functions that we need to complete to sustain life – and yet it can at times be so essential.

For me it is both something to appreciate and to create. When appreciating art – whether painting, music, sculpture, poetry, prose, photography or whatever form – I am seeing information and expression through someone else’s mind and soul. So I am learning about them and about the subject that has inspired their art.

Thus when I create my meager outputs – this essay writing, my occasional poetry & prose (never shared but with a very select few) or my music  - I am communicating information and expression with perspective. I want to tell people about the thing that inspires me AND how I feel about it – what exactly it inspires in me. And so I needed to create art. And it became an essential outlet for my mind, my heart and my soul.

I have needed it since a child and constantly sought routes to self-expression – finally settling on words and music – and very occasionally photography and images.

So I had no choice but to continue to create things in this area during 2011 – and it was of great comfort and help to me to do so. At times this “creation” gave me great pleasure – and at others it soothed the pain. . .

5. Thought

I did a remarkable amount of thinking in 2011 - by my standards at least – and it was very satisfying. I’m not sure my thoughts amounted to an awful lot, but as an exercise it was invigorating.

I’d honestly much rather spend an hour thinking hard than running hard –although I recognize that a balanced life has both!

I created quite a bit with my thoughts this last year – not least of which was the creation of new parts of me . Let me explain. . .

In thinking I became conscious. I became aware. In my awareness I found light to see things previously obscured by the shadow of ignorance or unconscious – and thus I understood some things. And in understanding I created new parts of my consciousness, my experience and ultimately my intelligence.

Abstract I agree, and as I say, I’m not sure my thoughts amount to much or have particular meaning or import, but they have “bulked up” my brain, exercised some “mind muscles” and helped me pass some wonderful hours with a strange expression on my face of curiosity and satisfaction combined.

Apart from bulking up my brain, and passing time, the thoughts I created this year ended up being passed on as advice or counsel to some, written about in this blog and discussed in many conversations here and there.

All in all a reasonable output. . .

6. Anxiety

Another thing I created a great deal of – and wished I hadn’t – was anxiety.

Both in myself and for myself – and also for others.

I worry about some things far more than I should do (and yes, others not enough – like most of us) and when I get anxious I tend to go to town. But that is generally my problem. What is perhaps more important is the anxiety I created in others. . .

Whether through insensitivity, stupidity, risk taking, or simple things like a lack of decent communication or explanation, I created quite a bit of anxiety this last year and much of it in people that I care about and who – by definition – care about me.

I wish I had been less selfish and more thoughtful.

7. Relief

Happily and conversely, I also created quite a bit of relief this year also – some in conclusion to anxiety . . .(for example: he isn’t dead, it’s just a finger. What a relief!) . . .and some in response to a need to be put out of other misery or given the reassurance that it will be ok.

For some reason I have been gifted with a certain amount of ability in terms of making others feel safe and secure. It might be my height and size or it might be my nature, which is to “protect & serve”. 

Whatever it is, I seem to be able to create relief for people easily and this is something I am happy and proud to create – as I am also in relieving people’s anxiety about me as well . . .

8. Anger

I created a lot of anger in 2011. Maybe not more than other years, and even perhaps less than some, but still more than I would have liked.

Out of insensitivity or lack of thought on most occasions I frustrated people, disappointed them, let them down, and a host of other things which culminated with them feeling angry with me. I created their anger and my punishment was to receive it.

I hate people being angry with me – it terrifies me in a very primordial way – and I usually go out of my way to avoid making people angry – even when they have made me angry. I don’t like conflict and I don’t like discord – particularly with the people who are close to me.

So to all those people who I created anger for – I’m sorry. For anger doesn’t just hurt the person who it is directed at, the angry person suffers too.

It is an ugly emotion.

9. Tracks

In 2011 I created a lot of tracks. By which  I mean I left my trace on the world – with tires, jet fuel, footprints and the wake of boats.

I travelled literally and figuratively almost non-stop. My route karmic in the main, and leaving a unique trace by which I can be not only uniquely identified but also held accountable.

No-one went the way I did, at the time I did. A track or trace’s uniqueness is not only the specific contact point between them and the universe but also the specific time. Logically, no-one else could have been me, in the place I was in, at the time I was in it – thus I leave a metaphorical track behind me like a slug leaves slime. I was there and I can now never NOT be where I was at that time. It has happened. Like the letter once written then burned, it can never be unwritten.

And so I created a lot of karma in 2011 – and which doubtlessly will greatly affect and direct my future.

Even on the trips to the supermarket . . .

10. Mistakes

I created a lot of mistakes.

I fucked up. I got it wrong. My judgment was out. I sinned. I failed.

Nothing I can do about them now and regret only serves a purpose for a while before it turns into a cancer of your future and paralyses every possible choice, move or decision you might come across again.

So I created mistakes – and just like the anger and the pain I created – I’ll live with them.

11. Peace

I created peace. A little for myself – I wish a whole lot more – and I think quite a bit for other people at specific times.

After joy –which is a lovely word and an even lovelier feeling – I think peace is one of the most beautiful experiences / states we can attain. To create it for oneself is a good thing, to create it for others is a big gift.

I managed both, but not enough of either.

PS. This post is dedicated to KP - who is thinking about writing some stuff. Go for it I say!