Nel mezzo del cammin di nostra vita
Mi ritrovai per una selva oscura
Che la diritta via era smarrita
[Canto 1, Inferno, La Divina Commedia, Dante Alighieri]
In the middle of the journey of our life
I found myself astray in a dark wood
where the straight road had been lost sight of.
[Translation by Seamus Heaney]
Recently – and I don’t know if it is connected to turning 40 earlier this year – I have been having some repeated thoughts on where I am at in life and my identity . . .
A theme that has developed can be best summarized with “I guess this is kind of how it is and how it’s going to be.”
What do I mean by that?
Well, I think I may have grown up. ("Hooray!" cheered the remaining parent!)
I seem to be content with most aspects of my life, with the things I do, with the people I spend time with, and mostly with myself. And those things which I am not content with, I am able to deal with.
In my teenage years and into my twenties I was so thirsty for new experiences that I did everything I could to chase them. Nothing satisfied me for more than a little while and then I was on to the next thing, greedily hoovering up experiences and information as quickly as I could. As a result it was really pretty difficult for anyone – and especially me – to know who I was.
In my thirties I began to settle slightly and come to terms with life a little more. I stopped searching quite so much for the new, and tried instead to become more familiar with what was already in my life – and in me. A tough process.
When you’ve spent your life hitherto running from one thing to another, metamorphosing constantly and deliberately, to suddenly sit and catch up with yourself takes some getting used to. But it’s a valuable process, as well as a tough one.
Now I seem to be happy in the knowledge that more or less things are going to be like this. And probably not like that.
I’m not going to develop any new hobbies. I’m not going to become an athlete, star in a movie, build a business empire, change the world, or learn a new language. I’m not going to take up any more musical instruments and I will probably never play golf. The places I like to spend time – like here in Greece – will still be the places I like to spend time and the people in my life will hopefully remain and be constant.
This is not to say that I won’t travel, I won’t meet new people, listen to new music or try new food etc. That would actually signal death.
No, no – it just means that I am the way I am, and at this stage in my late development, it isn’t likely to change.
A few years ago that thought would have scared the living daylights out of me and would have been something I would have kicked against hard. But now it seems to be natural and somewhat calming. I don’t need too many new things or new experiences to be content.
It doesn’t mean to say either that there aren’t things in my life that I don’t want to change – there are. Plenty. Nor does it mean that I don’t foresee myself continuing to grow (& grow up) – it is just a realization of “maybe this is who I am.”
And perhaps more importantly – finally being moderately comfortable with that thought.
I still need to balance, to sensitize, to contextualize and to moderate – but I feel lately that this is both possible / achievable and again, importantly, something that will come naturally.
So . . .this is it. And I quite like it.
