Αναθεώρηση Part 11: Πρόβλεψη / Outlook For 2012

Over the last 12 days - the first of 2012 - I have reviewed and reflected on different aspects of my 2011. From people to places, sounds to images etc. It has been a pretty thorough review and at times quite raw and difficult.

So . . . what does it all mean? Where am I going to go with all the things I’ve digested, created, learned and shared in 2011? Who am I going to spend time with? How am I going to spend my time? Where am I going to spend my time?

I don’t believe in resolutions or New Year promises that exist as a stress and only to be broken. I am much more interested in exploring the things that I really WANT to do. If the things I WANT to do align with the THINGS I “should” do then I may have a chance of doing them, n’est-ce pas?

Most of the things I want to do in 2012 are really just building on what I’ve been doing in 2011 (although there are some things I did in 2011 or happened to me in 2011 that I definitely want to avoid). Some, however, mark significant departure and change…

Here are the 12 for 2012:

1. Be more compassionate . . .

I want to continue to work on being compassionate – first to myself and then to others. I am sometimes rather hard on myself – and often allow myself to feel very disappointed in myself and the things I do. While it is perhaps helpful to be self-censoring and to maintain a level of self-criticism or at least slef-awareness, it is important not to end up being tougher on oneself than one really needs to be.

So I will forgive myself, I will give to myself and I will take care of myself by respecting who and what I am and valuing that properly and appropriately.

I include a short video on compassion from The Center for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education at Stanford University in California. I think it is great that a university like Stanford has set up a center like this and is focusing on this area. People are taking this compassion business pretty seriously . . .

http://ccare.stanford.edu/sct/why-cultivate-compassion

2. Let go of the past . . .

I want to put the past  - not just 2011 – behind me. Not to forget about it – obviously – but to leave it where it is. In the past.  I love history and all that it can tell us, but I believe I have relied too much on the past in my life and need to be much more present in the here and now.

Talking of letting go of the past – and binning it - check out this amazing initiative which a friend shared on FaceBook – really impressive and a neat idea. 

http://www.tiralopeorde2011.com/en/

3. Play, write & listen to more music . . .

I didn’t play or write as much music as I could have done in 2011 – mainly due to injuries and time.

This year I want to work on my piano playing, write more music and songs and most of all I want to listen to more music – especially classical and jazz.

It’s a simple thing and I know it will feel great. I’ve missed my music!

4. Giving up things (to take care of myself better) . . .

I have given a lot of thought to the things I really don’t need in my life and which prevent me or obstruct me from taking better care of myself.

There are few things which I think it is right to give up absolutely – other than cigarettes (which I have almost given up but still indulge in periodically) – but there are several things which I can stop pushing and relegate significantly in terms of my involvement / consumption / interest.

I am going to reduce the amount of motorcycles I own and the amount of motorcycling I do. I am going to continue to ride occasionally in the desert and will probably do a little bit of touring in Europe or the US, but I think that starting track riding and racing, continuing a lot of road riding and so on is pushing my luck in terms of age, injuries and resilience. Not time yet to hang up my helmet, but definitely time to accept I’m not 20 any more and make this a smaller part of my leisure time.

I’m also going to reduce my other bad habits - such as bad food, over-travelling and over general over-indulgence . . .and hopefully get a little bit of a better balance in terms of how I spend my free time.

I want to become more moderate and not push myself so hard to do things which are dangerous, tiring or just plain bad for me.

5. Taking up things (to take care of myself better) . . .

To balance some of the things I am going to reduce, I want to increase some of the things that are actively good for me.

No extreme targets or promises here, but simple recalibration of time and effort to include more healthy and soothing things – including regular exercise -  even if it is just a brisk walk, get back to doing some basic and simple yoga, continuing a healthy balanced diet, and perhaps most fundamental of all – getting plenty of good rest and sleep.

Simple – but worth focusing on a little.

6. Relationships . . .

Life is too short to spend it with assholes, losers, painful people, rude people, stupid people. We all know that.

But life is also too short not to spend the maximum amount of time with the people we really care about and who really interest us.

This year I want to spend time on the relationships that are most important to me. On my family, my close friends, my good buddies - and also on the random but important and valuable connections I have made with people across the globe.

But not on "acquaintances" and the like - I'm sorry but that time belongs to my friends.

And if you are wondering which category you fall into, you have probably just answered your own question.

7. Travel a road less travelled . . .

I mean this in both a literal and metaphorical sense.

I want to do more travel to places I don’t know instead of places I do – or at least bring that back into a better balance. I’ve fallen into the habit in the last few years of spending my leisure travel predominantly in places that I know and have been to before. I want to see some new places in 2012 and have some new experiences.

Metaphorically I also want to try new things, think in new ways and encounter new experiences in all forms. I love change and have appetite for new things – and I am working on being more open minded about the opportunities to do these kind of things.

Here’s to the road less travelled – I’ll write about it when I get there.

8. Write a short story (or maybe two) . . .

I’ve done a lot of writing this year – mainly essays on this blog, some travel pieces, and food writing and a little “creative” writing.

A number of kind people (and I hope in possession of intelligence and good judgment too) have said positive things about my writing and encouraged me to do more.

As writing provides both therapy and self-expression for me, I am not at all adverse to this and have decided that I am going to focus on writing one (at least) fictional short story this year. Something that I will write with great care, that I will edit with sensitivity and brevity as equal goals – and which I hope will reflect both my creative passion and my point of view on the subjects I write about. I hope I can produce something evocative and inspiring.

To the few people I have mentioned this too already – thank you for the kind offers to proof read, criticize, comment and generally support.

9. Spend more time in Greece . . . 

This may sound at odds with point 7, but I have realized that I have never really gotten over my love affair with Greece and remain deeply attached to her. To this end I must spend more time there to allow myself to feel comfortable and satiated.

If you’ve ever loved a place that’s not your home, you will know what I mean.

10. Love a little better . . .

This applies to all the kinds of relationships I have – friendship and beyond. I don’t consider myself weak or deficient particularly in this area - but I know I can be a little more thoughtful, a little more sensitive, a little less demanding and just a little “less” sometimes.

As Ovid, the Roman poet wrote: “If you would be loved, be loveable”.

11. Get to know my brother . . .

As referenced in my first piece in the review of 2011, I have neglected my relationship with my brother and I realize this has cost me – and him – and I wish to rectify that.

I plan to spend more time with him this year and to spend specific time travelling with him to get to know him better.

I am looking forward to that journey.

12. Epilogue . . .

In conclusion, I’m simply going to enjoy more of the things I love in life, and do less of the things I don’t want or need anymore.

And I'm going to keep on writing about them - whether just plain description and observation or more analytical and philosophical - because I enjoy that too.

I leave 2011 with this quote – from a slightly unusual source perhaps – but I think it says a lot:

“Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it. You must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it.” 

Elizabeth Gilbert – Eat, Pray, Love

Unplugged . . .Part 2

While I’m “acoustic” I thought I’d take another look at a theme I mulled over in the summer – “The Courage to Live”.

The original piece I wrote was inspired by - and in response to - a part philosophical, part existential question posed by a person very dear to me.

While this second analysis of the subject started with my own musings on dealing with the adversities of life, I found much inspiration from the thoughts of two men – Walter Anderson (an American magazine editor) and Rollo May (an existential psychologist & author).

I came across both men while researching this piece and was struck by Anderson’s very common sense logic and simplicity and by May’s altogether more challenging thinking in his pioneering work in existential psychology.

In particular May’s belief that apathy was the opposite to love and that as humans our unique knowledge that we are to die, liberates the human will to act and to be. In other words, our lives are defined by the knowledge that one day we will die.

We either act against that continually and live, love, act - or we accept it apathetically and let our selves deteriorate to almost non-existence. Either we find the meaning of life inside ourselves, or we accept that life has no meaning, and therefore we as beings are meaningless.

The last time I tackled this subject I focused on optimism as the driver for courage. The ability to see the possible, the positive, the good and the upside. To be hopeful.

I think optimism – of which I am a committed practitioner – is one half of the courage to live. But I think that there is another part to courage that is equally important and perhaps a pre-cursor to optimism. It’s about choosing life – and the things necessary to make that choice . . .

“I am responsible. Although I may not be able to prevent the worst from happening, I am responsible for my attitude toward the inevitable misfortunes that darken life. Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have – life itself.” - Walter Anderson

To choose life we need courage.

Courage is a big challenge for many of us. That inner strength or confidence to take on something we have no idea will work out, to face a difficult truth or fear, to pass through a difficult period. Where the downside is loss, pain, expense, cost, discomfort or some other misfortune and where the upside may be invisible, or only partially clear. . . that’s quite a big bet for a lot of us, and it’s something we face on an almost daily basis.

Of course most of us find the courage we need for the little things in life through comparative experiences. If this does not work then we turn perhaps to our friends, our families, colleagues, or our partners – but the big things in life are much more difficult.

We need a special kind of courage to deal with those big challenges and fears – we need courage from within.

And I believe courage is born of trust. Optimism may sustain that courage, but for it to be born, it is born of trust.

Trust of ourselves.

“Our lives improve only when we take chances and the first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves.” Walter Anderson

It sounds simple, but it isn’t. To trust ourselves we must make ourselves vulnerable to our very own self. We must first expose and then accept our fears, our weaknesses, our challenges and those parts of our selves we would rather ignore or rather run away from.

Not only must we accept them and acknowledge them, we must embrace them. We must bring them close to us and see that they are a part of our “self”.

This is very hard for many of us as it often involves struggling with feelings of guilt, low self-esteem, bitterness, sadness and frequently a feeling of being lost, confused, out of control, consumed and detached from our good selves. These are unpleasant emotions and behaviors at the best of times and we naturally do not want to dwell on them – but dwell on them we must if we are to understand them and accept them.

As we spend time becoming accustomed to our “dark sides”, our fears and our weaknesses, we can begin to contextualize them, and then begin to accept them as part of us.

First we should accept that our fears, weaknesses and occasional bad behaviors are human. They are natural and they are normal. We all have them; they are part of every one of us.

None of us is “damaged goods” just because we are afraid sometimes, just because we are weak occasionally or because we behave badly now and again.

If we are jealous or angry, selfish or harsh, nasty or cold it is only because we are also compassionate and patient, generous and gentle, affectionate and warm.

I believe that to a large degree our personalities are defined by duality  - as it is through contrast we understand what is right and good, and what is wrong and bad. As good defines evil and vice versa, so do our happy and good characteristics define our unhappy and bad ones (and vice versa).

Second, to accept our “selves” as “whole” by acknowledging all of our characteristics and personality traits is not an act of relegation or dismissal. It is an act of forgiveness.

However, forgiveness is not absolution.

To forgive our self is not license or permission to behave without consequence – it is instead to acknowledge our mistakes, our weaknesses and to resolve first to live with them and second to work with them.

Think of coming to the realization that one is overweight for example. To forgive oneself for being overweight is a healthy thing to do. To see that forgiveness as permission to carry on being overweight and neglect oneself is not healthy. To build on the forgiveness of oneself by resolving to lose weight and thus take care of one self better is the healthy response. (A personal example there!)

An alternative might be hurting someone’s feelings. Initially on becoming conscious of this “bad” behavior, we might feel guilty and remorseful. We might even “punish” ourselves in some way – but instead we should forgive ourselves and then build. By which I mean, acknowledge that hurting people happens. We don’t mean to hurt most of the time and when we do so we need to accept it as part of life. An ugly part of life by which we can also understand a more beautiful part like care, affection, nurture (the opposites or contrasts of “hurting someone”). But then we must move on to build and resolve. Why did we hurt that person? What caused it? Can we avoid doing so in the future? Can we at least mitigate the hurt we cause? These kinds of questions – if answered honestly and truly – can help us understand our behavior better – and consequently avoid it (at least more often) if we resolve to.

And there is a good reason for us to go to this trouble of acknowledgment, forgiveness, analysis and resolution . . .

Learning to live with one’s fears, weaknesses and negative behaviors is learning to take care of oneself. It is the act of care for one’s “self” that enables us to grow as people and to find balance and peace.

Taking care of ourselves is the most basic expression of love for our “self” – and in turn the most basic way of reassuring ourselves that we have value, that we are worthy, that we are attractive, desirable and so on.

"To love means to open ourselves to the negative as well as the positive - to grief, sorrow, and disappointment as well as to joy, fulfillment, and an intensity of consciousness we did not know was possible before."  Rollo May

It will not and cannot prevent us entirely from facing fear or weakness again – but it provides us with the means to begin to be comfortable enough with our “self” to be able to trust and trust provides us with the mechanism with which to deal with our fears and weaknesses – as our trust in others allows us to deal with theirs.

We usually think of trust as something we direct to someone else – and not to ourselves. Not something that relates to our relationship with our “self”. But in fact, no matter how much we may want to, we cannot trust anyone else if we cannot trust our “self”. 

Think of this quotation – again from Walter Anderson:

“We're never so vulnerable than when we trust someone - but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy”.

Think of the same concepts but placing our “self” in place of “someone”.  If we cannot trust ourselves, how can we trust anyone else?

And if we cannot trust then we cannot love.

I am slightly unusual in this regard in that I place a lot of trust and faith in people based on either instinct or hope or both.  In my professional life it is called “empowerment” and for me it has always been the force that motivates me to do and be my best at work. When I have been trusted I will go the extra mile and more. I do not want to let that person down. As a result of my own experience I tend to trust and empower others. I trust in something I have no reason to – in other words I have faith.

In my personal life it is less about empowerment per se than it is about a desire for engagement, for connection. It is my currency for connection.  I empower someone else to be in my life is perhaps another way of putting it. I have faith in them as another human being that they will act with compassion. I have faith in them.

Many times – both professionally and personally - my trust has been abused, broken or otherwise misplaced, my “currency” stolen, but I cannot help myself and remained committedly optimistic. I believe that to give someone trust based on faith, and without particular knowledge or “testing” is generous and kind– albeit very risky, as it makes one vulnerable. But then that is the nature of trust!

Of course I realize it can be overwhelming for some, but I believe that trust is such a binding connection, such a force for good and so precious, that I cannot hide behind the fear of risk when the return is so energizing and positive. And I hope to God my optimism in this regard is never tainted and turned to cynicism.

Of course trust is not a switch. It’s a slider (think of a mixing desk in a recording studio and all those lovely sliders which slowly increase the volume, the reverb, the bass, the treble etc).

A switch is binary, a slider is dynamic. Trust is a dynamic emotion – not a binary one.

However, while trust can grow gradually and relatively as well as quickly, when it is broken it can sometimes be pretty absolute.

My experience though is that the greater the genuine trust, the greater the capacity for forgiveness.

Trust enables us to overcome our fears. To have courage. To find our faith again

“You block your dream when you allow your fear to grow bigger than your faith.” Mary Manin Morrissey (Empowerment Specialist and “New Thought” Minister)

So to recap:

Through accepting our “self” with the fears and weaknesses we have, we can learn to love our whole self (not just our good self) – because we forgive and resolve. We resolve to take care of our “self” and love our “self” because we conclude that we are worthy of care and love. We provide that love and care to our “self” and we begin to trust our “self” because it is familiar, it no longer frightens us, and we have learned to have faith in it.

So when we need to find the courage to live through the really difficult parts of life, we need to look within ourselves.

If we have learned to accept our fears and weakness, if we have learned to forgive ourselves for those things we have done which we would rather not have done, if we have learned to trust ourselves, then we will find the strength within to be courageous. To find our faith again.

And if we are courageous we will find not only how to live, but also how to love.

Each of us is worth life and worth love. Each of us deserves life and deserves love.

When we can feel and understand why we deserve life and love, we will find the courage to live life, to love and ultimately - to be loved.

So the courage to live is also the courage to love. For to live is to love and to love is to live.

In the words of the renowned psychologist and psychoanalyst Erich Fromm:

“Love means to commit oneself without guarantee, to give oneself completely in the hope that our love will produce love in the loved person. Love is an act of faith, and whoever is of little faith is also of little love.”

This piece is “αφιερωμένο” to my "Λέαινα"  - I hope this helps you to find the "Play" button. 

Odyssey - the journey to Greece (2011) - Part 12 – The Art & Act of Compromise

Some friends have come down from Athens for the weekend to enjoy the Parathalasso – and possibly my company – and we began the weekend last night with a big, long catch-up on what we had been doing since we last saw each other (some seven or eight years have gone by).

They are newly married (6 weeks ago), while part of my recounting my tales of the last seven years includes me being happily divorced, so of course the topic of marriage became a major part of our discussion…

Or to put it more broadly, the topic of how to sustain a long-term relationship (LTR).

My contribution was more focused on what NOT to do, while theirs was a little more positive. 

After discussing matters such as character, values, background, interests, maturity and so on, we all centered on “compromise” as perhaps one of the key requirements of a successful LTR (or marriage).

So what does compromise entail? What does compromise require? What is the nature of compromise?

Looking at how compromise is defined is a good place to start:

com·pro·mise noun \ˈkäm-prə-ˌmīz\

1.              A settlement of differences by mutual concessions; an agreement reached by adjustment of conflicting or opposing claims, principles, etc., by reciprocal modification of demands.

2.              The result of such a settlement.

3.              Something intermediate between different things - the middle ground.

4.              A concession to something derogatory or prejudicial: a compromise of principles

In broader terms compromise is described thus:

To compromise is to make a deal where one person gives up part of his or her demand. In arguments, compromise is a concept of finding agreement through communication, through a mutual acceptance of terms—often involving variations from an original goal or desire.

Extremism is often considered as antonym to compromise, which, depending on context, may be associated with concepts of balance, tolerance.

In the negative connotation, compromise may be referred to as capitulation, referring to a "surrender" of objectives, principles, or material, in the process of negotiating an agreement. In human relationships "compromise" is frequently said to be an agreement that no party is happy with, this is because the parties involved often feel that they either gave away too much or that they received too little.

( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Compromise )

While we are prepared, and indeed usually keen, to find compromise in our business lives we seem to find it more difficult to achieve this in our personal lives.

In business, compromise is described – somewhat euphemistically perhaps– as “win-win”. It is desirable – indeed, it is a goal.

However, compromise in our personal affairs seems all too often to be characterized as “lose-lose”.  Why is this?

I think in our personal relationships we tend to see compromise as concession or capitulation more than we see it as “winning agreement” or finding an acceptable solution. But it shouldn’t be this way and it needn’t be this way.

In Freudian terms, we can probably make the safe assumption that compromise is ultimately delivered by the “SuperEgo”.

While the Id is our pure, unconscious nature based on the pleasure principle – by definition selfish and potentially destructive - the “Ego” is our reality principle, mediating between the needs of the “Id” and reality to avoid conflict or disaster. Meanwhile the “SuperEgo” is the corrective principle that works against the Id and counterbalances. It is the “conscience” that we all have.

The enlightened awareness of the implications of our “self” and its actions.

In philosophical terms the Ego is our “self”. So the corrective influence of a higher principle (the SuperEgo – or, more simply put, appropriate ideals) by definition means thinking beyond one’s self. This is perhaps the most basic driver of compromise – to think beyond one’s self and one’s own needs. The motivation for which is defined by the desired results the compromise – harmony, peace, progress, reconciliation etc.

In business we do this because we recognize that any deal has to make sense to both sides, but I would argue that in our personal affairs not only the same principle applies, BUT that there is an additional dimension . . .

By this I mean that in our personal relationships, preparedness to compromise is in itself an act of love. Beyond the pragmatic requirements of a relationship, which lead to the road of compromise, there is also the statement that compromise makes. “I love you enough to put myself second and to find a middle ground”. Assuming the affection and emotion is mutual then the reciprocation of the act of compromise will always ensure that there is balance and no-one feels it is a “lose-lose” situation.

So we can conclude here that compromise in a LTR is not only a requirement for sustainability and continuity, but it is a desired and desirable component to fully express our love and affection for the other person. However, there is the caveat of mutuality and reciprocation. If both parties are not equally committed to each other – and therefore both motivated to put the other first as an act of love and compromise to not only find a solution but also to express their love, then there will be an imbalance and someone will lose . . . and ultimately, if this balance does not self correct, the relationship is doomed to unhappiness or failure.

So how does this work in practice?

As I am in Greece it seems fitting to have a go at using dialogue to develop the theme a little . . .

Dave: “As newly-weds, what do you think is the key to a successful and happy marriage?”

Iris: “I think it is a number of things. Certainly it’s a matter of personality and character. Not that you have to be the same, but you have to have some harmony. Enough things in common, and enough differences to provide interest.”

Giannis: “A common “culture” or way of living together is important. It takes time and effort to find this, but it is key.”

Iris: “I think there needs to be some maturity also. It is easier to be happy and successful in a marriage when you have lived a little.”

Dave: “But maturity isn’t about age only. I know people who are happily married from the age of 25 or younger – they obviously had some kind of maturity to manage their marriage successfully, no?”

Giannis: “Maybe, or maybe not – they could have just had a very harmonious connection, a good balance and have therefore matured together over time.”

Dave: “I think values are very important. Shared and common basic values are crucial. Our values are truly embedded in us from our childhood, our parents, our surroundings. If these are not broadly shared between two people it will be very difficult to accommodate the difference as our values are perhaps the hardest thing for us to change.”

Iris: “You’re right. Values are very important – and they are a part of your personality and character. To this end it is important that the two personalities are compatible. It’s not about whether he likes motorcycles and I like shopping, its about the value system we share as people. But there will always be differences between people no matter how much they love each other.”

Giannis: “Yes, but this is where we have to find compromises. It’s always a question of compromise.”

Dave: “You are right. Compromise is perhaps the greatest challenge to and the greatest requirement for a successful marriage or relationship. Failure to find appropriate compromise was a major factor in the failure of my first marriage.”

Iris: “As we grow older it is easier to compromise  - our maturity helps us in this regard. We are less selfish, less in a hurry, more patient, more tolerant because we have lived more.”

Giannis: “I disagree. I think as we grow older we become less flexible, less prepared to compromise because we are set in our ways. We are used to doing things the way we want. It’s difficult to change that or accommodate others as you grow older.”

Iris: “But if you are older, more mature, don’t you become less rigidly attached to your ways? After all, you have had it “your way” for a long time, so isn’t it easier to let go of that for the sake of the other?”

Dave: “I think you are both right. As we grow older we are more certain in who we are and of course that means we are more rigidly defined as people and more clear on what we want and don’t want, but I also agree with Iris that as we grow older we also attach much less importance to our habits and preferences, because we don’t feel threatened by change or submission, or compromise. We are used to it, and indeed embrace it.”

Iris: “Yes, that is true. We do feel less frightened of compromise – both because we understand the benefits it can bring and because it is more comfortable for us to give up some things for the sake of compromise then when we are younger and less certain of ourselves.”

Giannis: “True. While I know what I want, I also know that I can from time to time give it up for the sake of someone else, or meet in the middle. It is easier now then when I was younger.”

Dave: “So compromise is easier as we mature and grow older because we are more sensitive, although the need for compromise perhaps becomes greater because we are more set in our ways and clearer about what we want and need. Interesting.”

And so we concluded our discussion fuelled by much local wine.

Compromise is more necessary as your needs and priorities are clearer, but easier to reach with time and experience aiding you in the giving up of certain things. And in LTRs and personal relationships the art of reaching compromise is also the act of showing selfless love for someone else. Achieving this balance will create a happy and sustainable co-existence - provided it is reciprocal and achieved through mutuality.

When I was young and foolish (i.e. more foolish than now), I used to find compromise compromising. I have matured over the years and now see it not as an enemy to harmonious and happy existence but as a necessary precursor to it.

Compromise is not weakness. It is love.

Plato might be proud.