Αναθεώρηση Part 11: Πρόβλεψη / Outlook For 2012

Over the last 12 days - the first of 2012 - I have reviewed and reflected on different aspects of my 2011. From people to places, sounds to images etc. It has been a pretty thorough review and at times quite raw and difficult.

So . . . what does it all mean? Where am I going to go with all the things I’ve digested, created, learned and shared in 2011? Who am I going to spend time with? How am I going to spend my time? Where am I going to spend my time?

I don’t believe in resolutions or New Year promises that exist as a stress and only to be broken. I am much more interested in exploring the things that I really WANT to do. If the things I WANT to do align with the THINGS I “should” do then I may have a chance of doing them, n’est-ce pas?

Most of the things I want to do in 2012 are really just building on what I’ve been doing in 2011 (although there are some things I did in 2011 or happened to me in 2011 that I definitely want to avoid). Some, however, mark significant departure and change…

Here are the 12 for 2012:

1. Be more compassionate . . .

I want to continue to work on being compassionate – first to myself and then to others. I am sometimes rather hard on myself – and often allow myself to feel very disappointed in myself and the things I do. While it is perhaps helpful to be self-censoring and to maintain a level of self-criticism or at least slef-awareness, it is important not to end up being tougher on oneself than one really needs to be.

So I will forgive myself, I will give to myself and I will take care of myself by respecting who and what I am and valuing that properly and appropriately.

I include a short video on compassion from The Center for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education at Stanford University in California. I think it is great that a university like Stanford has set up a center like this and is focusing on this area. People are taking this compassion business pretty seriously . . .

http://ccare.stanford.edu/sct/why-cultivate-compassion

2. Let go of the past . . .

I want to put the past  - not just 2011 – behind me. Not to forget about it – obviously – but to leave it where it is. In the past.  I love history and all that it can tell us, but I believe I have relied too much on the past in my life and need to be much more present in the here and now.

Talking of letting go of the past – and binning it - check out this amazing initiative which a friend shared on FaceBook – really impressive and a neat idea. 

http://www.tiralopeorde2011.com/en/

3. Play, write & listen to more music . . .

I didn’t play or write as much music as I could have done in 2011 – mainly due to injuries and time.

This year I want to work on my piano playing, write more music and songs and most of all I want to listen to more music – especially classical and jazz.

It’s a simple thing and I know it will feel great. I’ve missed my music!

4. Giving up things (to take care of myself better) . . .

I have given a lot of thought to the things I really don’t need in my life and which prevent me or obstruct me from taking better care of myself.

There are few things which I think it is right to give up absolutely – other than cigarettes (which I have almost given up but still indulge in periodically) – but there are several things which I can stop pushing and relegate significantly in terms of my involvement / consumption / interest.

I am going to reduce the amount of motorcycles I own and the amount of motorcycling I do. I am going to continue to ride occasionally in the desert and will probably do a little bit of touring in Europe or the US, but I think that starting track riding and racing, continuing a lot of road riding and so on is pushing my luck in terms of age, injuries and resilience. Not time yet to hang up my helmet, but definitely time to accept I’m not 20 any more and make this a smaller part of my leisure time.

I’m also going to reduce my other bad habits - such as bad food, over-travelling and over general over-indulgence . . .and hopefully get a little bit of a better balance in terms of how I spend my free time.

I want to become more moderate and not push myself so hard to do things which are dangerous, tiring or just plain bad for me.

5. Taking up things (to take care of myself better) . . .

To balance some of the things I am going to reduce, I want to increase some of the things that are actively good for me.

No extreme targets or promises here, but simple recalibration of time and effort to include more healthy and soothing things – including regular exercise -  even if it is just a brisk walk, get back to doing some basic and simple yoga, continuing a healthy balanced diet, and perhaps most fundamental of all – getting plenty of good rest and sleep.

Simple – but worth focusing on a little.

6. Relationships . . .

Life is too short to spend it with assholes, losers, painful people, rude people, stupid people. We all know that.

But life is also too short not to spend the maximum amount of time with the people we really care about and who really interest us.

This year I want to spend time on the relationships that are most important to me. On my family, my close friends, my good buddies - and also on the random but important and valuable connections I have made with people across the globe.

But not on "acquaintances" and the like - I'm sorry but that time belongs to my friends.

And if you are wondering which category you fall into, you have probably just answered your own question.

7. Travel a road less travelled . . .

I mean this in both a literal and metaphorical sense.

I want to do more travel to places I don’t know instead of places I do – or at least bring that back into a better balance. I’ve fallen into the habit in the last few years of spending my leisure travel predominantly in places that I know and have been to before. I want to see some new places in 2012 and have some new experiences.

Metaphorically I also want to try new things, think in new ways and encounter new experiences in all forms. I love change and have appetite for new things – and I am working on being more open minded about the opportunities to do these kind of things.

Here’s to the road less travelled – I’ll write about it when I get there.

8. Write a short story (or maybe two) . . .

I’ve done a lot of writing this year – mainly essays on this blog, some travel pieces, and food writing and a little “creative” writing.

A number of kind people (and I hope in possession of intelligence and good judgment too) have said positive things about my writing and encouraged me to do more.

As writing provides both therapy and self-expression for me, I am not at all adverse to this and have decided that I am going to focus on writing one (at least) fictional short story this year. Something that I will write with great care, that I will edit with sensitivity and brevity as equal goals – and which I hope will reflect both my creative passion and my point of view on the subjects I write about. I hope I can produce something evocative and inspiring.

To the few people I have mentioned this too already – thank you for the kind offers to proof read, criticize, comment and generally support.

9. Spend more time in Greece . . . 

This may sound at odds with point 7, but I have realized that I have never really gotten over my love affair with Greece and remain deeply attached to her. To this end I must spend more time there to allow myself to feel comfortable and satiated.

If you’ve ever loved a place that’s not your home, you will know what I mean.

10. Love a little better . . .

This applies to all the kinds of relationships I have – friendship and beyond. I don’t consider myself weak or deficient particularly in this area - but I know I can be a little more thoughtful, a little more sensitive, a little less demanding and just a little “less” sometimes.

As Ovid, the Roman poet wrote: “If you would be loved, be loveable”.

11. Get to know my brother . . .

As referenced in my first piece in the review of 2011, I have neglected my relationship with my brother and I realize this has cost me – and him – and I wish to rectify that.

I plan to spend more time with him this year and to spend specific time travelling with him to get to know him better.

I am looking forward to that journey.

12. Epilogue . . .

In conclusion, I’m simply going to enjoy more of the things I love in life, and do less of the things I don’t want or need anymore.

And I'm going to keep on writing about them - whether just plain description and observation or more analytical and philosophical - because I enjoy that too.

I leave 2011 with this quote – from a slightly unusual source perhaps – but I think it says a lot:

“Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it. You must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it.” 

Elizabeth Gilbert – Eat, Pray, Love

Αναθεώρηση Part 9: Created . . .

create [kriːˈeɪt]

vb

1. (tr) to cause to exist

2. (tr) to be the cause of 

3. (intr) to be engaged in creative work

 [C14 create, created, from Latin creātus, from creāre to produce, make]

As is often my way, I look at definitions and etymology to understand the meaning of words – as well as usage.

In terms of “what I have created” in 2011, I have focused on things that I caused to exist, things that I was the cause of, as well as things that I made or produced. There is a subtle difference…

Moreover, what is “created”, is by definition, something that did not exist (at least in this way) before its creation. One cannot cause something to exist if it existed previously – that would be to “re-create”. To this end, to create is to give birth, to give life to something that without one’s action, involvement or intervention, would otherwise not exist. Or at least not in this way, or at this time. 

1. Relationships

In 2011 I created several new friendships and relationships – or perhaps I should say I “co-created” them with willing people. 

To describe friendship I will turn to C.S. Lewis: “Friendship arises out of mere Companionship when two or more of the companions discover that they have in common some insight or interest or even taste which the others do not share and which, till that moment, each believed to be his own unique treasure (or burden)…It is when two such persons discover one another, when, whether with immense difficulties and semi-articulate fumblings or with what would seem to us amazing and elliptical speed, they share their vision – it is then that friendship is born. And instantly they stand together in an immense solitude.”

What Lewis means by the solitude is that when one forms a friendship with someone, one forms a connection based on the unique shared vision of those two or more people, and by definition this connection thus disconnects those people from others. They affiliate among each other but disassociate from others – thus creating solitude for themselves.

In this way I found myself enjoying new and expanded friendships in 2011 and as a result created additional solitude for myself – and perhaps for others.

2. Pain

I created much pain for myself in 2011 – and indeed others created pain for me as well (just in case I was running low!)…

But by and large the pain I suffered last year was my creation. I mean of course both physical and emotional pain.

I created significant physical pain in the accidents I suffered and the resulting injuries and surgeries, but I also created psychological and emotional pain through other kinds of accidents and the resulting “injuries” and “surgeries”. Interestingly, to continue the analogy further, both kinds of pain in 2011 for me involved some kind of amputation, removal etc – a removal of a piece of either body or soul, a detachment.

Both kinds of pain heal with time – although it is also interesting to note the parallels between physical and psychological or emotional pain when it comes to scarring, closed wounds, and so on.

My shoulder for example will never work the same way again, and my finger will not grow back. I will always have the scarring on my legs from the other accidents. The pain has reduced or diminished but there is lasting damage that will change the course of how I live, move, function. 

Maybe the same wounds in terms of anxiety, self esteem, self image, confidence, and so on will leave scars and lack of function? As we grow older and suffer more emotional and psychological trauma –whether self inflicted or by others – do we also accumulate more and more emotional scar tissue leading to more and more emotional disability?

I think perhaps we do – and the only thing that counterbalances this decay and growing disability is our mental capacity to comprehend it and learn from it – to attempt to avoid in the future the things which have hurt us in the past.

The other great truth about pain is that we have no pain memory. We literally cannot recall or remember pain. This is a protective mechanism our psychological function has developed to help us escape the terror and misery that repeated memory of pain would cause. We know we suffered pain, misery or discomfort but when we try to recall it we cannot feel it again.

Sadly it seems to be mirrored by an equal inability to recall the feelings of comfort, joy and happiness.

I created my own pain. I will deal with the scars it leaves behind.

3. Laughter

I created laughter again in 2011. I am gradually getting my humour back and it’s great. Still not where I used to be, but making people laugh is enormously rewarding and a proper laugh from the belly works wonders for the soul – and so it is a great pleasure to be able to provide that for people and to create laughter. 

If a big belly laugh isn't available, then even chuckles and smiles are pretty good soul food, so I don’t mind cooking those humour snacks, if the big banquet of a laugh is too hard to manage . . .

But it is good to make people laugh. I like that.

4. Art

When we think of “Creative” people we often most immediately think of art . . . but I believe creativity is manifested across many aspects – indeed nearly all aspects of our lives and existence.

However, art is a uniquely creative outlet because I think in part it is not required. We do not need art to live. It is not something that relates to any of the key biological functions that we need to complete to sustain life – and yet it can at times be so essential.

For me it is both something to appreciate and to create. When appreciating art – whether painting, music, sculpture, poetry, prose, photography or whatever form – I am seeing information and expression through someone else’s mind and soul. So I am learning about them and about the subject that has inspired their art.

Thus when I create my meager outputs – this essay writing, my occasional poetry & prose (never shared but with a very select few) or my music  - I am communicating information and expression with perspective. I want to tell people about the thing that inspires me AND how I feel about it – what exactly it inspires in me. And so I needed to create art. And it became an essential outlet for my mind, my heart and my soul.

I have needed it since a child and constantly sought routes to self-expression – finally settling on words and music – and very occasionally photography and images.

So I had no choice but to continue to create things in this area during 2011 – and it was of great comfort and help to me to do so. At times this “creation” gave me great pleasure – and at others it soothed the pain. . .

5. Thought

I did a remarkable amount of thinking in 2011 - by my standards at least – and it was very satisfying. I’m not sure my thoughts amounted to an awful lot, but as an exercise it was invigorating.

I’d honestly much rather spend an hour thinking hard than running hard –although I recognize that a balanced life has both!

I created quite a bit with my thoughts this last year – not least of which was the creation of new parts of me . Let me explain. . .

In thinking I became conscious. I became aware. In my awareness I found light to see things previously obscured by the shadow of ignorance or unconscious – and thus I understood some things. And in understanding I created new parts of my consciousness, my experience and ultimately my intelligence.

Abstract I agree, and as I say, I’m not sure my thoughts amount to much or have particular meaning or import, but they have “bulked up” my brain, exercised some “mind muscles” and helped me pass some wonderful hours with a strange expression on my face of curiosity and satisfaction combined.

Apart from bulking up my brain, and passing time, the thoughts I created this year ended up being passed on as advice or counsel to some, written about in this blog and discussed in many conversations here and there.

All in all a reasonable output. . .

6. Anxiety

Another thing I created a great deal of – and wished I hadn’t – was anxiety.

Both in myself and for myself – and also for others.

I worry about some things far more than I should do (and yes, others not enough – like most of us) and when I get anxious I tend to go to town. But that is generally my problem. What is perhaps more important is the anxiety I created in others. . .

Whether through insensitivity, stupidity, risk taking, or simple things like a lack of decent communication or explanation, I created quite a bit of anxiety this last year and much of it in people that I care about and who – by definition – care about me.

I wish I had been less selfish and more thoughtful.

7. Relief

Happily and conversely, I also created quite a bit of relief this year also – some in conclusion to anxiety . . .(for example: he isn’t dead, it’s just a finger. What a relief!) . . .and some in response to a need to be put out of other misery or given the reassurance that it will be ok.

For some reason I have been gifted with a certain amount of ability in terms of making others feel safe and secure. It might be my height and size or it might be my nature, which is to “protect & serve”. 

Whatever it is, I seem to be able to create relief for people easily and this is something I am happy and proud to create – as I am also in relieving people’s anxiety about me as well . . .

8. Anger

I created a lot of anger in 2011. Maybe not more than other years, and even perhaps less than some, but still more than I would have liked.

Out of insensitivity or lack of thought on most occasions I frustrated people, disappointed them, let them down, and a host of other things which culminated with them feeling angry with me. I created their anger and my punishment was to receive it.

I hate people being angry with me – it terrifies me in a very primordial way – and I usually go out of my way to avoid making people angry – even when they have made me angry. I don’t like conflict and I don’t like discord – particularly with the people who are close to me.

So to all those people who I created anger for – I’m sorry. For anger doesn’t just hurt the person who it is directed at, the angry person suffers too.

It is an ugly emotion.

9. Tracks

In 2011 I created a lot of tracks. By which  I mean I left my trace on the world – with tires, jet fuel, footprints and the wake of boats.

I travelled literally and figuratively almost non-stop. My route karmic in the main, and leaving a unique trace by which I can be not only uniquely identified but also held accountable.

No-one went the way I did, at the time I did. A track or trace’s uniqueness is not only the specific contact point between them and the universe but also the specific time. Logically, no-one else could have been me, in the place I was in, at the time I was in it – thus I leave a metaphorical track behind me like a slug leaves slime. I was there and I can now never NOT be where I was at that time. It has happened. Like the letter once written then burned, it can never be unwritten.

And so I created a lot of karma in 2011 – and which doubtlessly will greatly affect and direct my future.

Even on the trips to the supermarket . . .

10. Mistakes

I created a lot of mistakes.

I fucked up. I got it wrong. My judgment was out. I sinned. I failed.

Nothing I can do about them now and regret only serves a purpose for a while before it turns into a cancer of your future and paralyses every possible choice, move or decision you might come across again.

So I created mistakes – and just like the anger and the pain I created – I’ll live with them.

11. Peace

I created peace. A little for myself – I wish a whole lot more – and I think quite a bit for other people at specific times.

After joy –which is a lovely word and an even lovelier feeling – I think peace is one of the most beautiful experiences / states we can attain. To create it for oneself is a good thing, to create it for others is a big gift.

I managed both, but not enough of either.

PS. This post is dedicated to KP - who is thinking about writing some stuff. Go for it I say!