create [kriːˈeɪt]
vb
1. (tr) to
cause to exist
2. (tr) to be
the cause of
3. (intr) to be
engaged in creative work
[C14 create, created, from Latin creātus, from creāre to
produce, make]
As is often my way, I look at definitions and etymology to
understand the meaning of words – as well as usage.
In terms of “what I have created” in 2011, I have focused on
things that I caused to exist, things that I was the cause of, as well as
things that I made or produced. There is a subtle difference…
Moreover, what is “created”, is by definition, something
that did not exist (at least in this way) before its creation. One cannot cause
something to exist if it existed previously – that would be to “re-create”. To
this end, to create is to give birth, to give life to something that without
one’s action, involvement or intervention, would otherwise not exist. Or at
least not in this way, or at this time.
1. Relationships
In 2011 I created several new friendships and relationships
– or perhaps I should say I “co-created” them with willing people.
To describe
friendship I will turn to C.S. Lewis: “Friendship
arises out of mere Companionship when two or more of the companions discover
that they have in common some insight or interest or even taste which the others
do not share and which, till that moment, each believed to be his own unique
treasure (or burden)…It is when two such persons discover one another, when,
whether with immense difficulties and semi-articulate fumblings or with what
would seem to us amazing and elliptical speed, they share their vision – it is
then that friendship is born. And instantly they stand together in an immense
solitude.”
What Lewis means by the solitude is that when one forms a
friendship with someone, one forms a connection based on the unique shared
vision of those two or more people, and by definition this connection thus
disconnects those people from others. They affiliate among each other but
disassociate from others – thus creating solitude for themselves.
In this way I found myself enjoying new and expanded
friendships in 2011 and as a result created additional solitude for myself
– and perhaps for others.
2. Pain
I created much pain for myself in 2011 – and indeed others
created pain for me as well (just in case I was running low!)…
But by and large the pain I suffered last year was my
creation. I mean of course both physical and emotional pain.
I created significant physical pain in the accidents I
suffered and the resulting injuries and surgeries, but I also created psychological
and emotional pain through other kinds of accidents and the resulting “injuries”
and “surgeries”. Interestingly, to continue the analogy further, both kinds of
pain in 2011 for me involved some kind of amputation, removal etc – a removal of
a piece of either body or soul, a detachment.
Both kinds of pain heal with time – although it is also
interesting to note the parallels between physical and psychological or emotional
pain when it comes to scarring, closed wounds, and so on.
My shoulder for example will never work the same way again,
and my finger will not grow back. I will always have the scarring on my legs
from the other accidents. The pain has reduced or diminished but there is
lasting damage that will change the course of how I live, move, function.
Maybe
the same wounds in terms of anxiety, self esteem, self image, confidence, and
so on will leave scars and lack of function? As we grow older and suffer more
emotional and psychological trauma –whether self inflicted or by others – do we
also accumulate more and more emotional scar tissue leading to more and more emotional
disability?
I think perhaps we do – and the only thing that
counterbalances this decay and growing disability is our mental capacity to
comprehend it and learn from it – to attempt to avoid in the future the things
which have hurt us in the past.
The other great truth about pain is that we have no pain
memory. We literally cannot recall or remember pain. This is a protective
mechanism our psychological function has developed to help us escape the terror
and misery that repeated memory of pain would cause. We know we suffered pain,
misery or discomfort but when we try to recall it we cannot feel it again.
Sadly it seems to be mirrored by an equal inability to recall
the feelings of comfort, joy and happiness.
I created my own pain. I will deal with the scars it leaves
behind.
3. Laughter
I created laughter again in 2011. I am gradually getting my
humour back and it’s great. Still not where I used to be, but making people
laugh is enormously rewarding and a proper laugh from the belly works wonders
for the soul – and so it is a great pleasure to be able to provide that for
people and to create laughter.
If a big belly laugh isn't available, then even chuckles and smiles are pretty good
soul food, so I don’t mind cooking those humour snacks, if the big banquet of a
laugh is too hard to manage . . .
But it is good to make people laugh. I like that.
4. Art
When we think of “Creative” people we often most immediately
think of art . . . but I believe creativity is manifested across many aspects –
indeed nearly all aspects of our lives and existence.
However, art is a uniquely creative outlet because I think
in part it is not required. We do not need art to live. It is not something
that relates to any of the key biological functions that we need to complete to
sustain life – and yet it can at times be so essential.
For me it is both something to appreciate and to create.
When appreciating art – whether painting, music, sculpture, poetry, prose,
photography or whatever form – I am seeing information and expression through
someone else’s mind and soul. So I am learning about them and about the subject
that has inspired their art.
Thus when I create my meager outputs – this essay writing,
my occasional poetry & prose (never shared but with a very select few) or
my music - I am communicating
information and expression with perspective. I want to tell people about the
thing that inspires me AND how I feel about it – what exactly it inspires in
me. And so I needed to create art. And it became an essential outlet for my
mind, my heart and my soul.
I have needed it since a child and constantly sought routes
to self-expression – finally settling on words and music – and very
occasionally photography and images.
So I had no choice but to continue to create things in this
area during 2011 – and it was of great comfort and help to me to do so. At
times this “creation” gave me great pleasure – and at others it soothed the
pain. . .
5. Thought
I did a remarkable amount of thinking in 2011 - by my
standards at least – and it was very satisfying. I’m not sure my thoughts
amounted to an awful lot, but as an exercise it was invigorating.
I’d honestly much rather spend an hour thinking hard than
running hard –although I recognize that a balanced life has both!
I created quite a bit with my thoughts this last year – not
least of which was the creation of new parts of me . Let me explain. . .
In thinking I became conscious. I became aware. In my
awareness I found light to see things previously obscured by the shadow of
ignorance or unconscious – and thus I understood some things. And in
understanding I created new parts of my consciousness, my experience and
ultimately my intelligence.
Abstract I agree, and as I say, I’m not sure my thoughts
amount to much or have particular meaning or import, but they have “bulked up”
my brain, exercised some “mind muscles” and helped me pass some wonderful hours
with a strange expression on my face of curiosity and satisfaction combined.
Apart from bulking up my brain, and passing time, the
thoughts I created this year ended up being passed on as advice or counsel to
some, written about in this blog and discussed in many conversations here and
there.
All in all a reasonable output. . .
6. Anxiety
Another thing I created a great deal of – and wished I
hadn’t – was anxiety.
Both in myself and for myself – and also for others.
I worry about some things far more than I should do (and
yes, others not enough – like most of us) and when I get anxious I tend to go
to town. But that is generally my problem. What is perhaps more important is
the anxiety I created in others. . .
Whether through insensitivity, stupidity, risk taking, or
simple things like a lack of decent communication or explanation, I created
quite a bit of anxiety this last year and much of it in people that I care
about and who – by definition – care about me.
I wish I had been less selfish and more thoughtful.
7. Relief
Happily and conversely, I also created quite a bit of relief
this year also – some in conclusion to anxiety . . .(for example: he isn’t
dead, it’s just a finger. What a relief!) . . .and some in response to a need
to be put out of other misery or given the reassurance that it will be ok.
For some reason I have been gifted with a certain amount of
ability in terms of making others feel safe and secure. It might be my height
and size or it might be my nature, which is to “protect & serve”.
Whatever
it is, I seem to be able to create relief for people easily and this is
something I am happy and proud to create – as I am also in relieving people’s
anxiety about me as well . . .
8. Anger
I created a lot of anger in 2011. Maybe not more than other
years, and even perhaps less than some, but still more than I would have liked.
Out of insensitivity or lack of thought on most occasions I
frustrated people, disappointed them, let them down, and a host of other things
which culminated with them feeling angry with me. I created their anger and my
punishment was to receive it.
I hate people being angry with me – it terrifies me in a
very primordial way – and I usually go out of my way to avoid making people
angry – even when they have made me angry. I don’t like conflict and I don’t
like discord – particularly with the people who are close to me.
So to all those people who I created anger for – I’m sorry.
For anger doesn’t just hurt the person who it is directed at, the angry person
suffers too.
It is an ugly emotion.
9. Tracks
In 2011 I created a lot of tracks. By which I mean I left my trace on the world – with
tires, jet fuel, footprints and the wake of boats.
I travelled literally and figuratively almost non-stop. My
route karmic in the main, and leaving a unique trace by which I can be not only
uniquely identified but also held accountable.
No-one went the way I did, at the time I did. A track or
trace’s uniqueness is not only the specific contact point between them and the
universe but also the specific time. Logically, no-one else could have been me,
in the place I was in, at the time I was in it – thus I leave a metaphorical
track behind me like a slug leaves slime. I was there and I can now never NOT
be where I was at that time. It has happened. Like the letter once written then
burned, it can never be unwritten.
And so I created a lot of karma in 2011 – and which
doubtlessly will greatly affect and direct my future.
Even on the trips to the supermarket . . .
10. Mistakes
I created a lot of mistakes.
I fucked up. I got it wrong. My judgment was out. I sinned.
I failed.
Nothing I can do about them now and regret only serves a purpose
for a while before it turns into a cancer of your future and paralyses every
possible choice, move or decision you might come across again.
So I created mistakes – and just like the anger and the pain
I created – I’ll live with them.
11. Peace
I created peace. A little for myself – I wish a whole lot
more – and I think quite a bit for other people at specific times.
After joy –which is a lovely word and an even lovelier
feeling – I think peace is one of the most beautiful experiences / states we
can attain. To create it for oneself is a good thing, to create it for others
is a big gift.
I managed both, but not enough of either.
PS. This post is dedicated to KP - who is thinking about writing some stuff. Go for it I say!
