Αναθεώρηση Part 2: Places . . .

Picking out some of my favourite places of 2011 has been hard too - not least because I travel a great deal for both work and pleasure.

With the exception of #11 - all the other places are places I have been to before, and in most cases many times. I suppose they make this list because these places were either significant this year in a particular way (although that is more covered in a later part of this review when I look at "moments" which by definition have both a place as well as a time) or because my great love or affection for these places is what took me back this year to revisit them...

If anyone reading this was in any of these places with me this year - thank you. For it is certain I enjoyed them even more because you were there...

Let the journey begin:

1. Cape Town

I began 2011 in Cape Town, South Africa. The weather was beautiful, I was with a nice bunch of people who I didn’t know well and started the year on a positive note.

I have been to Cape Town several times before and indeed went back again for business later in the year, but on Jan 1st 2011 it was really a lovely place to start the year and also some great friendships.

2. Egypt / Cairo & Alexandria

Early in the year I travelled to Cairo - a city I know reasonably well having been there many times in the last 7 or 8 years - shortly after the first phase of the revolution.

The feeling of change was palpable. Hope. Belief in a better future. Faith in human values. The value of the individual. All this against a backdrop of burned out buildings, damaged property, violence, chaos and pain.

Alexandria in the early summer was similar. A different scene by the coast with the Mediterranean as a backdrop. I spent a weekend with a group of what are best described as Egypt’s elite in terms of businessmen, intellectuals, commentators, artists and young up-and-coming leaders. Excitement, opportunity, nervosity, anxiety provided a heady cocktail for discussion on the beach and at the parties in the evenings.

Egypt is one of the oldest civilizations in the world and home to around 80 million people. The change there, while catalyzed by the earlier regime change in Tunisia, really marked Arab Spring as the defining political and social event of the decade and of the millennium so far in the Middle East. And it is still unfolding. . .

3. Aristi

I spent my birthday with a small group of friends in the mountain village of Aristi in the Zagarochoria area of Northern Greece – a little further north from the lake town of Ioannina.

I have been to Aristi several times and always stayed in the wonderful Aristi Mountain Resort (http://www.aristi.eu/en/&gclid=CMv9u6XFrq0CFUoa6wodWxU0mg )

The hotel is absolutely lovely and the staff very friendly and helpful. The food is a nice combination of local traditional dishes with a twist of modern flair and there is a fine selection of great earthy red wines to settle into sitting by a wood fire.

We had a pretty lazy time while there and a lot of great laughs and food. Good company around a dining table can never be bettered in my opinion and our discussions ranged from the sublime to the ridiculous over the nights we were there.

Spring time was in the air and the first mountain flowers were spreading across the landscape like a multi-coloured quilt while the fresh bracing air the accompanies such altitude made the idea of a cup of mountain tea - or perhaps something quite considerably stronger - a popular option during the mornings and afternoons.

And we roasted a goat for my birthday celebrations as I stepped into my 40^th year. (More on that in another part of my review of 2011)

Aristi - One of my favourite places in Greece and a refuge from the world. Bliss.

4. Stresa

During my Odyssey to Greece from the UK on my motorcycle – which is well documented elsewhere in this collection of postcards – I stayed at Stresa on the shores of Lake Maggiore. While the hotel disappointed and the food I ate wasn’t the very best, the lake was beautiful. In particular the morning of my departure as I drove along the shoreline.

What was memorable about this in particular was my recollection of my father John.

We had spent a summer holiday in Stresa when I was a child. My father never had time to spend with us kids when we were growing up as he was always busy at work. He never saw me play sports or compete in athletics – those attendances were always carried out by my mother who was the token dad on the touchline. 

But on holidays my father would have more time and I remember in Stresa we got a small rubber inflatable boat and rowed out to the lake (it must have been incredibly dangerous if my memory serves as the rubber boat was flimsy and tiny – but hey, we survived). 

My dad taught me and my brother to row, and also how to fish with a spinner (not that we caught anything mind you!). I remember it fondly as one of the few moments of “father & son” time in my childhood – or at least at an age when I was still receptive to my father and his instruction / guidance.

Stresa brought back those memories and other memories of my father. It never ceases to frustrate the hell out of my that he didn’t live long enough to see anything of the things I have done in my life that would have made him proud. A curse indeed.

5. Urbino

Urbino – city of the Dukes – was also a place I visited on my odyssey to Greece this last summer.

Another place I have been to many times and which I have written about elsewhere in this blog.

I remember clearly this summer – as at all the other times I have been – the delight of turning a corner on the windy hilltop road and seeing the resplendent red brick of Urbino's renaissance buildings perched on the top of the hill. The steady rewinding of time as one climbs up and wanders through the cobbled streets. The peace and quiet of a place with very few - if any - motorized vehicles. The history oozing out of every corner, the sense of learning perpetuated today by the university, building on the humanist principles of the Dukes and their courtiers from centuries gone by.

And of course wonderful strolls or "passeggiate" round the town and the delicious food . . . Urbino is a divine experience and was a high note in a journey of high notes.

6. Parathalasso

The Parathalasso at Monastiraki Nafpaktou – outside of Nafpaktos – was where I settled down to spend my time during the summer in Greece.

It was my paradise for a week or more where I spent my days writing, reading, cooking, drinking, discussing, playing guitar and sleeping. I was alone for most of the time, but had visits from my lovely friend Iris with her husband Giannis (a fellow biker!) and someone else who came right at the end of my stay.

Some wonderful conversations with myself as well as with others, in the heat of the Greek summer sun and washed down with gallons of rough wine.

It combined pretty much the entire essence of Greece for me this year and I was truly happy there.

7. Istanbul

Istanbul is one of my favourite cities in the world – and I have written about her many times, and photographed her also.

I didn’t visit as frequently this year as in previous years, but some of my most powerful moments played out there in 2011.

It always symbolizes to me a meeting place. A meeting of east & west, of ancient and modern, of people, of cultures, of ideas, of cuisines.  It is a crossroads and a stopping off point. An arrival and a departure in one.

8. London

I have started to rekindle my relationship with several cities this year – stimulated by a number of things, both circumstantial and existential.

As a non-resident former resident, I return to London with a mix of emotions, but usually with the intent of taking the best out of the city which is easy to do when you don’t live there full time and have a little money…

Of course I have friends in London also so I can combine visiting people with visiting favourite places – from pubs to clubs, restaurants to cafes, galleries, bookshops, favourite streets, exhibitions, shops and live music . . .

London has a lot and is a place that is also partly home partly not home. One day I suspect I will live there again and I will be proud again to be a Londoner.

9. Paris

I hadn’t been to Paris for many years before my visit late in 2011.

I confess I went on a whim and to escape from myself for a couple of days. To reflect and connect, to be in a place full of culture and romance and to immerse myself fully into a place of dreams to avoid my nightmares – and Paris did exactly what I needed.

Of all the things I wrote this year, one of my favourites was the “Carte Postale” from Paris (http://osapp.blogspot.com/2011/11/paris-3-carte-postale.html).

I thoroughly enjoyed Paris again and decided that I must return again soon and not leave it another 20 plus years. But next time I go with a woman I’m crazy about, a fellow gourmet or an artist – not on my own.

10. Athens

Another city I fell back in love with this last year is Athens.

I used to live and work in Athens for around 6 years and knew the city pretty well – although as a resident does, and not as the visitor. Just as I used to know London before I became a visitor (i.e. hardly ever going to museums, galleries, shows, exhibitions etc and just flitting from one bar to another and restaurant grazing in the main – not that this is bad, but the visitor makes more effort in a city.)

I have missed Athens terribly I realize – and with it Athenians and the Athenian way of life.

Of course things are tough in Greece right now and people are hurting – including and maybe especially Athenians – but life goes on and people still eat, drink, discuss, argue, consider and debate when not at work. And Athenians do it in an environment ideally adapted to these things. Their city.

I have been several times this year to Athens and each time have the combination of warm memories from the past and a thirst and hunger to live experiences there now.

I missed the long lunches that turn into drinks and then into dinner. I missed the grazing around the cafes and restaurants of Kolonaki, or the mezopoleia in Gazi or Kerameiko. I missed strolling around the Acropolis, stopping to drink a coffee and read the paper in Thiseio. I missed sitting down for fish and ouzo in Nea Filadelphia or down in Pireaus.

Most of all I miss my friends from Athens with whom I did a big portion of my growing up and whose company and conversation sustained me.

So I’ve been going back, and hanging out. Seeing people and the city.

My last trip was just before Xmas and while I went primarily for one meeting, I met up with a lot of friends and had a great time. And when I went to leave for Dubai, I didn’t want to go…

So Athens will feature more frequently in my 2012 agenda, and I cannot wait to organize a trip there with my Dubai based friends and show off my “second home”.

11. The Places I Haven’t Been Yet

Another favourite place is the place I haven’t been yet, but dream about constantly as I try endlessly to reshuffle the deck of priorities in my future travel plans . . .

There are many places I want to go next year and beyond – including some of the places mentioned above, but four specific places that I am curious to visit are New Zealand, Argentina, Japan, Vietnam.

New Zealand sounds like a natural paradise with a reputation for unspoiled nature, peace and quiet, wonderful gastronomy and of course great wines. Friends of mine have done motorcycle tours there and that sounds like a great way to see the place.

Argentina has been calling me for a long time – Buenos Aires and its grandeur, the countryside with Gauchos and the wonderful meats and the drama of Patagonia. I’ve never been to Latin America and Argentina is where I want to start.

Slowly, slowly I have been visiting Asia more and two countries I am dying to visit are Japan and Vietnam. Both for their cuisine, but also their history and in the case of Japan, its very different culture / way of life which fascinates me.

Finally, there is one journey I want to make next year – the Camino De Santiago. The 800km pilgrimage by foot from the south of France to Compostela in North West Spain. It is one of the oldest pilgrimage routes in the world and while I am not planning on doing it for religious reasons, I do believe that it will be spiritually rewarding as all road trips are. Just this one will be on foot and not in a Mustang or on top of a motorcycle!

Αναθεώρηση Part 1: People . .

Lots of people have really been important to me in 2011 for many different reasons, so picking 11 people for my “review” of last year was hard. Of course I resorted to cheating in the same way TIME Magazine did with its person of the year  – using a category to provide a collective group (The Protestor) – and one of my most important people (#10) is a fictional character. . . so what the hell?!?

Anyway - here goes, in no particular order:

1. My Brother

My brother is my first person of 2011. That would surprise him and many others. To say we do not enjoy a close relationship is a substantial understatement, as it is also woefully inadequate to say that we have had difficulty in communicating for most of our lives.

But I recently had an epiphany regarding my relationship with my brother. On December 23^rd to be precise. It was not a “religious” moment – before anybody starts worrying that a Christmas spirit reached out and turned me – but a moment of clarity.

Along with my mother and late father, my brother is my immediate family and the most important and closest bond I could have. We share blood and history.

In 2012 I will be making a concerted effort to build a relationship of some kind with my brother and to begin to communicate better with him. Because I want to know him.

2. My Mother

My mother has had a tough year with surgeries and illness that have really taken it out of her but she has been her usual remarkably resilient self.

I know from my own surgeries and illnesses that after a while being less than fit becomes enormously frustrating and debilitating and it’s hard to stay positive.

Luckily my mum has gallons of spirit and has gotten through the tough stuff once more. She has continued her technological progress and while rejecting the laptop, she has fallen in love with her iPad and emails badly typed missives with even more regularity now she can keep the tablet on her lap while watching the racing or listening to the radio.

She has also continued to be a great friend to me and as I head towards middle age, she and I get along just great. I’m only sorry she has to go through all this medical trauma and also that she still worries about me so much. I’ll try not to stress her too much next year.

3. Mugabe 

Mugabe lives on the other couch in my house. Mugabe makes me laugh, makes me tea and is one of my best friends. Thanks for being there Mugabe and sorry you had such a tough time this year. I hope 2012 is kinder to you, that your mum gets better, and that you learn how to cook.

4. The Other Sugar Tits

Along with Mugabe, the other two “sugar tits” have been real bricks this year and we’ve had a lot of laughs as well as pulled each other through the tough times that each of us has had. The longevity of friendships & relationships is less important than the quality of them I think – and I am lucky to have friends who know when to make fun, when to be serious and who act with respect, sensitivity and dignity. Thanks guys. Tidy.

5. Maggie from the Village

My fellow part time insomniac, sometime travelling companion and friend - Maggie from the Village – reappeared in 2011 and we spent a fair amount of time together virtually or in reality discussing life, the human soul and philosophizing (Maggie is Greek after all, so philosophy comes naturally).

For some reason of synchronicity, Maggie was always there this year. To deliver me home after an evening of preposterous drunkenness, to chat at 4am as we both lay in our respective countries wide awake and wired, to travel up mountains, to take me to the “Star”, to explain things I couldn’t understand and to give me books and guides to find my way. We talked a great deal about “now-ness” and she gave me lots of courage. Thank you Maggie from the Village.

6. My Beloved Ex-Wife 

My Beloved Ex-Wife (for this is how we refer to each other) moved to the other side of the world this year and started a new job, career and life in New York City. A far cry from Athens, the Big Bagel seems to be treating her well and I am really happy that she has grabbed an opportunity with both hands and taken the plunge.

As we grow older it is sometimes easy to become captive to our habits and comforts, to doubt we have it in us to change, to lack the courage of the young, arrogant and naïve.

Well she proved to herself and to others that this isn’t the case. And while no doubt it is tough making these kind of changes at our age and stage in life, I am sure she will make a success of it and most importantly take a lot of great experience and learning. Good luck “BE-W” – I’m proud of you.

7. Mrs. Bucket

This year saw me lose one of my dearest colleagues - Mrs. Bucket as she is known to some. We’ve worked together for the last seven years and very closely for the last three. Moreover we’re great friends and have had some of the best moments of laughter I can recall in the work place. Often involving Mrs. Bucket dissolving into peels of giggles punctuated by grunts and snorts of a distinctly porcine nature.

With classic British humour she dealt with some of the most enormously stressful situations and with aplomb. I was glad to be her Consigliere on many matters, and to enjoy a trusting and warm professional relationship.

I am very sad to no longer be able to work together and share the woes of the world, but am very glad we will remain friends and that I will see her and her husband much more frequently where the sole purpose will be imbibing and consuming great food, while laughing our backsides off (punctuated by the occasional porcine snort no doubt).

Good luck Mrs. Bucket and thanks for everything – I learned a lot, admired even more and am grateful for your patience, friendship and trust.

8. The Larded Hippo

Lard (or “Larded Hippo”) – as she is affectionately known – is one of my oldest friends. We worked out this year that we have known each other for 25 years. 2011 was a year that we spent quite a bit of time together for birthdays, holidays and other events and which proved the depth of our friendship as we both helped each other through difficult times as well as enjoying much celebration and mirth. Although we are polar opposites in terms of personality, habits and nature, Lard is always there, quiet and thoughtful, gentle and warm. I always like to find balance in life, and I was glad to be able to be there also for Lard this year and wish her all the best with the road ahead. Fellow travellers are never far away Lard. Be good and trust your self.

9. Leaina. .

Three dots vs two. One too many for now. That third dot takes a lot of work and courage. Good luck with that.

10. J. Alfred Prufrock
In 2011 I also became reacquainted with J. Alfred Prufrock.

“Prufrock . . . cannot reconcile his thoughts and understanding with his feelings and will.”

I dared to disturb the universe this year. As a result it seems I simply became old and wore my trousers rolled. . .

One quote I found about T.S. Eliot says it all: “His early poetry, including “Prufrock,” deals with spiritually exhausted people who exist in the impersonal modern city.”

I ended 2011 spiritually exhausted and there is no more impersonal a modern city than the one I exist in. Maybe this is why Prufrock spoke to me so much at the end of 2011.

11. The People That Are Struggling

Finally 2011 was a year for me that was characterized by “the people that are struggling”.

By this I mean everything from the protesters in Arab Spring, struggling for human rights, democracy and equality, to the protestors in Athens struggling against an increasingly brutal state machine and austerity measures that have brought a country to its knees.

I also mean all the people dealing with personal struggles in their lives. Struggles of confidence, struggles of trust, struggles of growing up, struggles of dealing with abandonment, loneliness, rejection and fear. Struggles of identity, struggles of anxiety, struggles of depression, struggles of illness, struggles of purpose, struggles of faith.

As someone who struggles from time to time, I can both sympathize and often empathize.

For anyone who is struggling or who has struggled, I have only two things to recommend – act with compassion and don’t abandon faith. Faith in life.

Keep up the struggle in 2012 – it’s worth it.

Αναθεώρηση : Introduction . . .

It is that time of year – indeed very precisely that time of year – that we look back before looking forward, when we review and consider what is behind us to prepare or plan for what is ahead of us.

A rear-view mirror glance, before focusing once again on the future - and the unknown. A chance to remember what we learned, feel what we felt, reflect on our progress and maybe smile at the good times. . . 

I have looked at 11 aspects or parts of my 2011, and tried to summarize the top 11 in each area  . . . because Top 10 is so clichéd, don’t you think?

Unlike some of the things I have written, this collection is intended to be relatively “light” and brief.

The categories are as follows:

1. People
2. Places
3. Sounds
4. Words
5. Body & Soul
6. Identity
7. Images
8. Moments
9. Created
10. Learned
11. For 2012 . . .

Tomorrow  - on January 1^st - I will post each part, but until then . . .

Happy New Year!

I wish you compassion, happiness, peace of mind and love.

Ο Ξένος . . .

Χώνευση - Digestion

To digest:

1. Physiology To convert (food) into simpler chemical compounds that can be absorbed and assimilated by the body, as by chemical and muscular action in the alimentary canal.

2. To think over so as to understand; absorb or assimilate.

3.

a. To organize into a systematic arrangement, usually by summarizing or classifying.

b. To condense or abridge (a written work).

4. Chemistry To soften or disintegrate by means of chemical action, heat, or moisture.

Digestion is a process which seems to preoccupy my life to a disproportionate degree. Not because of my well documented - and indeed amply demonstrated  - relationship with food. Not only that.

I am also preoccupied with digestion because of an obsession with understanding, of gaining clarity. A kind of curiosity on steroids.

Interestingly this kind of digestion resembles both the physiological kind of digestion referred to above and also the chemical.

At this point in time I am reflecting on the year that has passed and seeing what I have digested from it.

It has - in some ways - been a year like any other. I got older, did stuff, spent time with people, had some new experiences, repeated some old experiences, traveled, wrote some music, worked etc.

In other ways of course it was unique.

Those unique aspects of my year are among the harder parts to digest - partly by definition (they are new to my "system") and partly because for the most part they are complex and difficult subjects.

Broadly they relate to the topics of "connections / relationships", "death", "pain", "joy" and "time". Not that there is inherently anything unique in any of these topics, BUT there has been in my experience of them.

It strikes me that the phrase "history doesn't repeat itself, but it rhymes." might be quite aptly applied to the vast majority of our experiences while alive and conscious (and indeed perhaps while unconscious too.).

"Life doesn't repeat itself but it rhymes" - we have many patterns in our lives. Most are created in our early childhood environments, some are learned and acquired through behaviours and influences as we grow up and some are defined by our surroundings - people and places - but I'd guess that 80-90% of our behaviour and activity is in the field of "rhyming behaviour". If not an outright repeat of what we have done before, it is similar enough to either provide comfort and familiarity or to allow us to not pay too much attention to it . .

And that is one of my observations for this first of a series of "end of year" digestions . .

We should pay more attention to our "rhyming behaviour". We should stop and think why we do things the way we do them. Why do we think the way we do? What is the cause of our behaviour? What are the consequences?

Not because in the first instance we necessarily need to change - but because we should be more CONSCIOUS and aware of our lives and the way we behave and act. We should be more alert and present in our own existence - after all, we only do it once, and it would be both a shame and something of a waste to just let it slide by without thinking about it and really experiencing it actively . .

Perhaps, however, we do need to change some of our behaviours? Perhaps there are things to learn from our "rhyming behaviour" and repeated patterns that can help us get more from our lives. . for not all of our patterns and rhyming behaviours are healthy or good . . are they?

The 10% of life that is not "rhyming" and that  isn't made up of patterns playing out again and again, is the part that is - perhaps for want of a better word - "unique" .

My unique experiences in 2011 were those that punctuated life and provided the spice to the otherwise somewhat bland and predictable stew of everyday existence . .

These "unique" experiences that arrest us for a moment, that strike a chord - are they "unique" because they are startlingly different from everything else we have experienced, or are they "unique" because for one moment (or more) we are uniquely present, aware, focused and receptive to the experience, in contrast to our regular "rhyming behaviours" where we are largely switched off, passive and distanced from ourselves?

I don't have an answer for this question. It is not rhetorical.

I have only some empirical thoughts to go on - and some feelings - but both cause me to remain conflicted regarding the answer.

During this year I have certainly experienced acute joy and acute pain (both physical and emotional) and I have also been highly aware of time at points and at others, totally timeless and divorced entirely from any ticking clock. At some of those times I have been deeply aware of being alive. At others I have only been able to think of death. In my connections with others I have felt at times bonded to a depth beyond description and at times so lost and alone that "others" seem only to be abstracted ideas, and not real.

My effort to digest these experiences - to soften and disintegrate as well as to condense, order and absorb - has been torn between on the one hand the initial acceptance that some of these experiences are truly unique, and that this uniqueness drives my awareness of them in such focus and detail  and on the other hand the idea that in fact the experiences were in no way unique, but that for some reason during these experiences I gained light, focus, was present and connected, and thus they appeared to be unique because of their contrast with the ordinary, and the "rhyming" patterns.

I will think some more about this. And I will certainly write more about my reflections on and digestion of 2011.

Until then I can reassure you that my best moments in 2011 - whether unique, or only appearing to be unique because they were properly experienced, were the ones which were timeless, when I felt more alive than the Gods, when I was deeply connected and when I was blinded by light and joy.

Happily I remember more of those moments than the other kind . .

One consequence of this reflection and digestion is that I have resolved to spend more time questioning my patterns of behaviour in the future rather than just accepting them - especially those behaviours and actions which appear to just to rhyme, rather than chime or shine. .

In the meantime. .I gave up a "full stop". But I fear it was too late. .

Earlier this year, someone wrote about  my "Old Shoes & Picture Postcards" in the kindest and most inspiring of ways:
I went through the whole blog and I keep finding gems . .

In many ways, OSAPP is the product of my digestion of life and all that is around - or indeed is that digestion. For that reader as well as others I will endeavour to keep thinking and keep writing.

My next piece will be looking at the highlights and lowlights of 2011 in terms of my experience and some of things I saw in the world.

I'm off tomorrow for a brief trip and then it's Christmas, so will save my analysis of 2011 until after.

But until then, I wish you a Merry Christmas and in the words of the late, great Dave Allen - "Goodnight, good luck, and may your God go with you."

..

Insomnia #1 - Now-ness

Over the last few weeks I have not been sleeping well. In fact, I have hardly been sleeping at all.

I am used to difficult sleep patterns due to my constant travel and I am a light sleeper, but in the last few weeks my lack of sleep has been pretty acute.

I think there have been a number of contributory factors – pain (my shoulder), stress (work + life) and the influence of heavy anaesthetic for surgery which messed up my schedules totally – all in addition to the “had a bad day, got things on my mind, shouldn’t have had that cup of coffee” phenomenon that is more usual.

One of the good things about insomnia is that by definition you have a little more time on your hands.

This time allows you to think, to reflect, to consider and also more importantly perhaps to simply absorb, to get used to things or make things part of you. Something which ordinary time passing does anyway – but with insomnia ordinary time is accelerated slightly through having more hours awake.

It also gives you the chance to catch up comfortably with other insomniacs without the deadlines of appointments, work, etc. Nighttime is free time for everyone - although most people choose to use this time for sleeping – so as long as your insomniac friends are in the same time zone then conversation is very relaxed.

Several conversations I have had over the last few weeks, combined with my own experiences have led me to focus on thinking about the idea of “Now”. The present. This ephemeral, yet timeless state of being we all exist in but surprisingly few choose to live in . . .

We usually segment our lives into three time parts and spend, frankly, an enormous amount of time on two without spending nearly enough time on the third part. Those parts are our “past” which we usually characterize as our experience and the “future” which we usually characterize as our dreams, our goals, our ambitions. We think that our past prepares us for our future, somehow even decides our future.

We think of past and future, experience and dreams, as good things. Positive, helpful things. We spend hours, days, weeks actively engaged in two activities which I am going to argue are ultimately pointless, but more than this, are damaging.  We all too rarely stop to consider, let alone LIVE, the part that is sandwiched in the middle. The present. The “now”.

Reflection & projection. Considering the past, planning the future. We do it in our work – where we call it reviewing and planning – and we do it in our personal lives. Almost all the time.

As a result we miss almost entirely the opportunity of the present. Because the present is a constant dynamic – indeed it is almost an abstract concept – it has the possibility of eternity. IF we can find a way to live in the present more completely, I believe we can live more happily.

Broadly speaking our obsession as people with the past and the future, on reflection and projection follows two main paths – both equally unhelpful and dangerous. One path is the path of negativity and the other of positivity. Let me explain . . .

Negativity is easier for most of us to understand. Consideration of the past in terms of negative reflection is usually described as “regret”. The mistakes we made, the choices that turned out badly, the things we wish now – with the benefit of hindsight – to have done differently.  Except hindsight is a deception. A sleight of hand.

“If I’d known then what I know now, then I wouldn’t have done X”.  In other words, if someone could have told me the future, I would have had better information to make my choices. . . But of course no-one can tell the future.

Hindsight – or the ability to see looking back – is a psychological game we play with ourselves to try and prepare for the future. Looking back is in fact looking forward. Trying to desperately find something in the past that can predict the future that we are all so obsessed with. But it cannot.

Why do we obsess with looking back and reflecting on our regrets? Because we are afraid, often terrified, of the future. Our nature as humans is that we want everything to be wonderful and we are terrified that it might not be. So we spend an inordinate amount of time trying to control, influence and predict what we cannot. The future.

We make our choices in life and then we live with them. The ones we don’t like we can choose to see as mistakes and regret them OR we can choose to see them as steps in a progression which is as integral a part of us and our identity and states as the DNA which we are born with.

While I am not saying that we should never look back and consider our actions – we should – I am saying that we should not spend too much time in this or attach too much importance.

Mostly because we will find in our future fearing logic, that we have made millions of errors. And our regret will start to punish us with melancholy and increased fear for the future until the point we become totally depressed and totally paralyzed in the face of tomorrow, unable to make any decision in case it is a “bad one” and so spoils our plans for the future.

Instead I would advocate that we reflect on our mistakes in the following ways:

1. Mistakes are permanent. And once made are as irreversible as ink on paper. (There is a Buddhist parable that I read years ago that seeks to explain karma - A man wakes in the night, takes his pen and writes a letter. Later he decides he is not happy with the letter and takes the paper and puts it in the flame of the candle. The paper is burned and the letter is no more. But while the physical evidence of the letter is no more, this does not actually remove the existence of the letter. It was written. Paper and ink were used. It occurred in time. It therefore exists and can never be unwritten. So it is with mistakes.). So once we accept the mistake, our regret is redundant. Regretting something cannot undo it. It will not make it disappear. And it will not prevent it from happening again necessarily – another naïve idea that we hold. That focusing on our mistakes and regretting them will somehow magically prevent us from making them again. It won’t. (Not that there are not ways of avoiding mistakes in the future – there are, but I will come to that later).
2. Mistakes are human. To make a mistake, a “bad” choice, to screw something up is not a weakness that somehow causes us to fail in our bid for humanity and life. Conversely, it is something that qualifies us for humanity and life. We would not be human or have any quality of life if we did not make mistakes. It is not something we should punish ourselves for, but something we should embrace as vital and necessary for our continued happiness. Our mistakes expand our experience and grow us just as much -  and sometimes more – than our other learnings. They sometimes leave us with pain or unhappiness, but without pain or unhappiness, how would we know what comfort and happiness feel like?
3. Mistakes are who we are. They define us, shape us, make us who we are. Instead of regretting our mistakes we should recognize that at any given second or fragment of time in the present, we are there and who we are in part (often large part) because our mistakes brought us there and made us who we are. Now –before anyone says, “yes, but my life is unhappy, and I do not want to be this person now in the present and it is because of my mistakes I am”, let me clarify that unhappiness in the present is only there due to the inability or failure to actually live in the present and the now.

People who are unhappy live not in the present – they are absent from their lives because they are living in the past and the future.

The American author and playwright Fulton Oursler wrote:

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.”

The past and future steal from us. Our obsession with them takes away our present. And – by default and definition – we are actually only alive in the present. We cannot be alive in the past because it has gone and we cannot be alive in the future because it is yet to happen. So if we are absent from the present because of this obsession, then we are not alive. Or at least not living.

It is not just “reflection” and the consideration of the past that can confuse us, and steal from our present, our now. The future is equally problematic when we end up obsessed with “projection”.

It is something of a natural condition to be afraid of the future. To fear it. After all what is more normal than fearing the unknown. And the future is the one true and complete unknown for all of us. Worse, the only thing we as humans know about the future is that we are going to die at some point. So – pretty clear why it might be scary. We have no clue what’s there and it will end in death.

When looking at our negative approach to our existence in time we can see how focusing on our past causes pain and detracts from the only time we are alive – the present. We can also see why this drives us to additional fear for the future.

This additional fear is built on the premise that “If I made so many mistakes in the past, caused so much pain and unhappiness for myself, then if I don’t find out why and stop this from happening again then I will make mistakes like these in the future and my life will never be happy. And time is running out for I will die in the future and who knows when...”

We have all had that thought in some degree or another at some point. This terror is common – and particularly common to people who have lost the ability to live in the present. They are truly crucified between regret for the past and fear for the future as Oursler wrote. But we say that history doesn’t repeat itself. So why would our future be a repeat of our past? Just because we fear that it might be doesn’t mean that it will.

Indeed, if we accept that our mistakes are not to be regretted but to be seen as steps in a progression that makes us who we are in the present (see above), then we can probably – at least logically – expect that process to continue in the future. So instead of constant repetition of the past, we can enjoy growth and development.

We project far too much of our past on the future than we should. I think one reason is that given the choice of complete unknown or something, however regret laden it might be, we think that something is more concrete and that we can somehow work on it and create some predictability and hope that will help us approach the future more comfortably.  

This is, however, a false notion. The future remains always unknown – no matter what we try to project on to it. Positive or negative. We cannot control, predict or shape our future any more than we can eradicate or undo the mistakes we have made in the past (which again, I argue, are not mistakes and not worthy of regret. They were just choices which we made for good enough reasons at the time. AND those choices led us to “now”.)

Reflection and projection are not confined only to the negative.  We also reflect and project in what we think is a positive way about both the past and the future. Our happy memories and our dreams for the future. They are good, wholesome and make us feel warm and happy.

Except they are as equally unhelpful, painful and dangerous as our regrets and fears . . .

Our happy memories are no different from our memories of our mistakes. Indeed while we “over” regret our mistakes, we tend to “over” celebrate and nurture our happy memories. Like mistakes, those things we did that brought us happiness and joy cannot be eradicated or undone - they are permanent. But also like mistakes they are no predictor for the future. They have led us – together with our mistakes – to where we are now. In the present.

But if we believe our memories of past happiness are going to somehow mitigate the fear of the future then we are deceiving ourselves. Because the moment that this does not happen – and it cannot logically happen – our past memories of happiness will slowly come to be seen as mistakes and the cause of regret which will in turn burden us with greater fear for the future.

The same is true of positive projections in the future – our so called “dreams”, “goals”, “ambitions” . . .

I was asked recently by someone to share what my dream life would be. I was unable to answer. I made some attempts at describing how I would live – values, beliefs etc – but I was unable to easily answer “what” specifically would be my “dream life”. The only thing I could think of was what is lacking to me in the present. What do I want in my life - now.

Contrast with a few years ago when I had plans and goals and dreams galore. Timetables, specific milestones, achievements, benchmarks, directions and so on. I used to project into the future and create a whole life of results, progress, and destinations. Except I started noticing that almost nothing turned out according to plan. Nothing worked out personally or professionally. Indeed some things happened that were so “off plan” that it would have been scarcely imaginable to me that these things could happen when I had been making those plans . . .

Of course I spent quite a bit of time looking back and reflecting on my plans and dreams and finding that this difference between what had happened and what I planned or dreamed for myself was huge. I concluded that I must have made mistakes if my plans had failed – and it was of course easy to find the mistakes. Anything that took me away from the plan was a bad decision. Anything that ended up with me being unhappy in the past was a bad decision or a mistake. It became very easy to build a large catalogue of mistakes and analyses to go with them that would form my encyclopedia of regret. And I punished myself for this by setting stricter and stricter directions and guidelines for the future. If my laxness and lack of discipline, thought and analysis in the past had caused my mistakes, then my discipline, focus and effort in the future would ensure this would not happen again. I re-cast my dreams with more specificity and rules, more direction and guidelines. I would achieve my plans, I thought. I just needed to be more sensible, tougher on myself and it would all come true.

Well you don’t need to read this to know that of course that didn’t happen. Life continued to unfold in ways that could never be predicted. Some brought happiness, some brought sadness and all took me further and further away from the plan and the dreams I had made. My discipline and toughness on myself only caused me more distress to add to the building regret, and the increasing desperation of finding a solution to the future. Finding a way to ensure my plans came true.

I don’t remember when or even if I had an epiphany on this subject – perhaps it was in the period after my divorce – but I came to the conclusion that if I didn’t want my plans to fail, I should examine again why they failed and work from there.

I discovered that the reason why my dreams never came true as I had imagined them and my plans never worked out as I wanted was not because I made mistakes. It was simply because my plans could never work and my dreams could never come true for the simple reason that they were built on things in the future that were unknown and the further the plan or the dream reached into the future, the further it was destined for failure.

While this discovery was exciting it was also worrying at the same time. What will I do if all my plans are destined to failure? If all the specific things I have dreamed of are in fact subject to so many unknown variables that they too cannot succeed? And of course all plans and dreams are vulnerable to failure when any part of them relies on the unknown - and I am yet to see a dream or plan for life which doesn't . . . 

So – I decided to stop planning and stop dreaming. At first it was a question of simply scaling down my plans in terms of specifics and timescale. I made plans for a much shorter period of time (I think this comes naturally with age by the way although logic can provide the method for younger people) and I was much less rigid about the specifics of those plans.

As time passes I have very few dreams and plans of any real specificity. I allow myself to speculate on the future occasionally – it is very hard not to - but now I try to live in the present as much as I can. And that means accepting that things could go this way, or they could go that way. By being closer to myself and having a better relationship with my self - I can roll with life. I’ll deal with what I need to deal with when it comes and not before.

For example: I was recently given some positive future looking news about my professional life. It was nice to hear. But I refused to get very excited about it precisely because it is in the future. Friends and loved ones on the other hand got very excited and some even began talking around the possible future development as though it had happened already. I know that it could happen, but I also know that it could not happen. Indeed I know that I might make it not happen, just as much as someone else might make it happen for me. My point being, I took the “now” part of the news – which made me feel good. It made me feel positive and recognized. I left the future part of the news for the future.

The same thing applies to the question I was asked about my dreams – my specific dreams for my life in the future. All I could answer was what I want / need / am missing now. It was a very simple thing that I answered. Very clear and understandable – because it is now. It is not built on the assumptions about a future we cannot know nor the fear of a future decided by our past. It is built on who I am and what I want now. Now. Now. Now.

It is not easy to live in the Now. First it is hard to detach from the habits of reflection and projection. Second it is hard to live outside the structure that these give us – for they do give us structure. Third it requires us to be comfortable with ourselves – for in the Now we are very present and connected to ourselves. And that means trusting ourselves – a lot. That’s hard to do in the beginning and is foreign for many people, but you have to ask:

“Do I dare

Disturb the universe?”

The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock – T.S. Eliot

Prufrock is the ultimate example of someone who has exiled himself from “now” and only lives in the past and future – trapped and denied life. This is the true sadness, indeed tragedy, of Prufrock – the absence of now. Indeed the “women who come and go, talking of Michelangelo” are the only evidence of “now” in the poem and they are the contrast to Prufrock and his thoughts. They are living, Prufrock is not.

“Time for you and time for me,
And time yet for a hundred indecisions
And for a hundred visions and revisions
Before the taking of a toast and tea.”

Terrorized by fear of the future he is paralyzed from making decisions, and ends up using time as his way of avoiding them . . .and life.

“In a minute there is time
For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse”

No-one needs to be a Prufrock  - they simply need to choose to live in the “Now”.

[And you who are reading this and know these words, you are not Prufrock either. You never were – you were just frightened you could become him. You will not wear the bottom of your trousers rolled. One of the reasons I am here is to show you that. As you have slowly begun to realize . . ]

We need to be able to accept pain and happiness on equal terms. To feel them and see where they take us –without caving into the temptation to reflect or project. Trust yourself – and the reason we should trust ourselves is because we are the most authentic true individuals in our lives. Accepting that truth is a leap – but once taken life changes quickly afterwards. Not without bumps in the road ahead of course, but no walls, fences or mountains any more . . .

When we are sad we tend to want to find the reason, analyze it, and then devise a way to avoid it in the future. We then look to what the future will be like when we do this and it makes us hopeful as we project a desired happiness. Then we create our plan. We fear it may not come true though because the past was sad, therefore so much the future.

When we are happy we want to find the reason, analyze it and then devise a way to sustain it in the future. We then look to what the future will be like when we do this and it makes us hopeful as we project our desired happiness. Then we create our plan. When it starts to unravel we start to reflect and see all our once projected decisions and dreams as mistakes and we begin the cycle of regret.

When we live in the now we focus on the present. We are where we are and there is no point in over analyzing why. In the past we took decisions, we made choices. There is happiness and there is pain. But we are here. We must accept it. We must dare to disturb the universe.

We must ask ourselves only a few questions - Am I happy, fulfilled, satisfied? If yes, then good. If not, then what is missing? What is missing now – not in the future. But find what you need now – don’t force the future on yourself now. It is pointless. And don’t wear the past around your neck like a noose – it is also useless.

If we can figure out how we want to live – values, beliefs – the what, where and with whom we will live will come to us. It will come in amazing ways.

Once many years ago - when I still had plans - I sat with friends in a tavern in Greece one winter’s evening and drank wine by the wood fire. One of the friends – who I did not know very well – began to ask me questions about my plans in life, my dreams. In those days I could answer this question immediately and I did. She then asked me the simplest of questions “And when you achieve that, what next?”. I had an answer for that too. And she repeated her question. This went on and on until I had not only run out of answers for a grossly projected future, but I had become terrified of the void that was my ultimate answer – “I don’t know”.

I had crashed into the reality of the future. I also took something else away from that evening. From all my planning and all my worrying about the future, as well as all my regret and despair at the mistakes of my past – I had been missing the point. I was not living now. Later that night I wept – mourning all the things I had let slip from my hands while looking back or looking ahead and not looking beside me. I wept at my foolishness and shortsightedness and eventually I wept with relief and joy that I had at least now realized the point. It’s all about now – because now is the only place and time we are alive. There is no future. And the past is gone, left us. There is only now. That was the point. So live it.

I still weep frequently  - something which some people find odd. I do try to do it privately - for other people’s sakes more than mine as it makes them uncomfortable – but I weep often. I weep from joy and from sadness – and I find weeping is a very “now” thing.

"Now" doesn’t mean we don’t have pain or joy – it just means we live through it rather than detach it for analysis through the prisms of reflection and projection.

So – this has been a long piece, but it’s been on my mind for a while and stimulated much by conversations and insomnia - a very “now” condition which doesn’t allow any past or future.

“Now” is hard, but it is rewarding.

Dare to disturb the universe. Embrace “Now-ness”.

“When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.” Alexander Graham Bell – American inventor of the telephone